Silent Sanctuary

最后一章

2009-03-22T21:40:00.004+08:00

说这也好笑。。。我在和他谈话，却因为说到你而哭了。
怎么又哭了？为什么又哭了？

我渐渐开始明白。。。你不会再回来了。不管你顾虑的是什么，你应该都不会回头了。

常在问自己，到底做了什么。为什么会变成这样？难道我松了手后，你才发现自己的天空更好？
我。。。虽然气过，伤过，怨过，却没有恨过。

我自然也不会再让你为难了。
我的眼泪再也不是你的负担了。

但愿你开心。

Silent Sanctuary到这为至。。。
但愿有缘再续。

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
歌曲：《我只能爱你》
演唱：彭青

当你握紧我的手
我决定和你走
经历再多的挫折
也绝对不退缩

当河流
都倒流
我还在你左右
一直陪伴你到时间的尽头

就算有一天
天和地都会分离
也永远不离
也不弃要和你在一起

------------------------------------

Sunday

2009-03-22T15:56:00.002+08:00

I have decided that Silent Sanctuary would remain @ where it is.
Solitaire Pixie would blog at another place. I thought of shifting the whole blog over but well, I do not want to keep reading those archives.
Since May 2004 is long enough and maybe a new chapter is where it should start from.

Tomorrow's onwards. =)

默默的改变

2009-03-21T23:10:00.004+08:00

But things change. People change. Change was one of the inevitable laws of
nature, exacting its toll on people's lives.
Mistakes are
made, regrets form, and all that was left were repercussions that made something
as simple as rising from the bed seem almost laborious. - Nicholas Sparks ' The Choice'.

慢慢的。。。心中有种变化。
只是。。。可以相信吗?

这是一个没有答案的问题
我感觉我变了谁让我变了
原本这是一个没有答案的问题
却被你解开了简单的解开了

你走过来带着和别人不同的对白
你甚至不让我知道你对我有多好

慢慢的这份爱悄悄的住下来
深深的在心里没人看的出来
安静的但却一直都在
是你默默的爱

慢慢的这份爱已经变成依赖
浅浅的笑容里却让我充满期待
不用说我就能够明白你默默的爱
-飞轮海 --默默

After sometme, I've finally made up my mind -MLTR

2009-03-21T11:55:00.002+08:00

This is supposed to be a very romantic, sappy sound - 25 minutes.
It is playing on Class 95 now.

But my first response today is 'What kinda bloody excuse is that? Who are you to cry when you took God knows how long to make up your bloody mind, and cry now when you find your love in the church marrying someone else?'

Get real!
Shite excuses!

Change of blog url

2009-03-20T22:27:00.002+08:00

Dear all,

My few friends who actually care enough to visit this dumb blind_meow blog, thank you.
I would officially change my url to something else, have already thought of a name. (hope it's available!)
I would change it on the 23rd March 09.
There's no particular reason why I would wanna change it. Probably because I had always wanted to do so and finally doing it.

Please leave a comment if you wish to follow and I will sms you the new url.

Thanking you.

Love,
MicH

He said, you've got to love yourself - J.Mraz

2009-03-20T21:52:00.002+08:00

It's Friday once more. I always love Friday cos' Friday night seems long whether I'm working the next day or not.

Love. Whether love finds me or I find love, it matters little to me now. Not that there's a protocol about it.
If a situation like today must come, I only regret it has not been earlier.
25 years old may not be old but I wish I could start off much a few years younger IF a day like today should come.

Living. Life's about living and should not be defined by age. Unfortunately the human cult doesn't resist that. We always think that we should act like what's expected of our age.

I am alot less disillusioned about love. I guess I am just pretty worn up and what does it matter whose fault it is? If you can't forgive the past, won't try to do anything to salvage the present, there's no future to talk about.
I can only be wistful about it but it's not something I can do it alone. I am not in my own relationship and certainly not chasing after it anymore.

I am (trying) to more enthusiastic about living, trying to resist what most citi-dwellers are teaching the world today.
Yes it is good to marry young, to earn and afford the materials, to get your degree, to pay for your own home and have kids before you push 30. This is the culture and it seriously won't be wrong to follow.
But I want to believe that there's is more than life than following what should be done. I know it is only the realistic is calling but I feel that before I kick my bucket one day, I wanna know I had led a life that I am content with...Not something that I am following blindly.

I am still a confused soul but I hope to do better with each passing day.

Good night, fellas.

Ps..I really thought to change my blogsite. Had enough of this blind meow. When I changed, I would inform the necessary.

It's about time.

2009-03-19T20:21:00.000+08:00

Sick.
Dotsssss

Bread and Rose

2009-03-18T20:51:00.003+08:00

It sucks to be stuck in a situation of having to choose between Bread and Rose.

The outsiders, the logical and the realists forming a group what I would call the 'Sane' would of cos' pick up the Bread anytime.
It's not even a choice. Can you hold on to the beautiful rose and count on it for survival?
No.When you need a bread, you need a bread. You need it for your stomach, you need it for strength, you need it as an asset!

The dreamers, the romance @ heart, the emotional form another group what I then call the 'Insane' would find their hands wavering towards the Rose.
What is the point of picking up a piece of dough when it is not filling your heart?
The emptiness of a heart can be pretty scary. Mental hunger can kill you faster than physical hunger. When your heart is hungering for something, it sends the illogical signals to your brain which then the most powerful organ (Ok, I know brain is not an organ but what is it?) in your body would manipulate you.
Can you promise to be happy or would you find yourself detesting yourself eventually and be that hungry beggar @ heart?

What would you choose if you have to pick only one?
Don't assume your answer too soon cos' I know most people would tell me that they'll pick Bread over Rose.
You are saying that too soon cos' you are NOT putting yourself in the shoes. You are saying as a stand of an outsider.

IF you are really in the situation, go and picture the scenario.
Putting aside that you need a house, you need a car, you need a bag and a Bread could help you with that.
Just imagine if you really have to choose one, knowing one role could not fulfill what the other can give. What would you pick?

Would you choose a life whereby you are perhaps never have to worry about being too hungry BUT ended up in a situation whereby your emotion needs are never fulfilled, not even close?
Or would you choose a life whereby you can live rich in the heart but perhaps shabbily in the eyes of the others and of cos' there are alot less things you can afford?

Go figure.

2009-03-16T20:17:00.001+08:00

Despite everything, it is so difficult to ignore the throbbing pain within.
I am tired...think i would just go sleep. 8.37pm...oh well.

Moving on Sunday

2009-03-15T17:43:00.004+08:00

You can read one or a dozen of self help books like 'He's Just Not That Into You' or 'He is such a sorry (fucking) jackass.'.
You can laugh at some parts, cry or tear at some, feel righteously angry at some more parts, motivated to pick up the good advices along the lines and try move on.

But it is not an instantaneous thing, it won't be.
The point of moving on being a gradual thing would have mean there are alot (more) days that I would cry, feel sad and lonely, miss you, wanted to kill you or more of myself as the matter of fact, living my life like a robot etc.

It is that difficult & really torturous and I really hope I won't have to do it for the rest of my life,ever. That I meant, moving on from a bad relationship.

Alot of times I wish it hasn't turned up this way. Why is it getting worse between me and Jason all the time when this breakup wasn't meant to be for that.
But what's the point of me asking the walls, asking the skies, asking the air, asking myself when a relationship is about 2 persons working on it.
It's not about me and myself, not me and the concrete walls, not me and the blue to dark sky, not me and the invisible air!
If Jason can't work his ass, CAN'T BE BOTHERED to even try to help this relationship, why am I torturing myself over it?

I know the thing is...Sometimes I can't help it. I am always still hoping, keeping that little flame somewhere in my heart.
Even though now that I read and actually know it inside that he's is not that into me already, still doesn't help me to distinguish that small little flame.

I know this whole thing sounds stupid but what I am trying to say is , other than YOU SUCK!!!, I am not having an easy time as it seems.

Thank God that I have a bunch of nice girlfriends who are always supportive, and a few more whom I know are behind me all the time.
Thank God that I am not a born depressionalist. Emotional yes, depressionalist no. Big difference, mind you.
Thank God that I still love myself.
Thank God that (even if any of you disagree) I am still somewhat attractive to the eyes of some guys.

There are guys who wanna know me, guys who wanna ask for my name and number from the streets(Not kidding. I know you don't believe that and I find it weird myself too.), guys whose hands lingered around me(that I hate!) on the dancefloor. (*Disclaimer:I am not too proud of that but as a matter of just fact...If you are not attractive, would guys wanna touch you?).

And I have a guy who can show me that he is now really into me. Ok, maybe I can't add the word 'Really' but he is into me.
Period.

All these are pushing me to just move forward in life. (Ok...I know I elaborated too much about the guys part. Un-necessary information.)

I am picking up my French course. I am planning to go Cambodia with my girlfriends. I may be planning a few more things soon.
I am moving forward in life and I don't think I am doing a bad job. I hope this makes you (Jason) happy cos' this is what you want me to do and you would feel less guilty.
However even if I am NOT doing a good job about moving on, you wouldn't do anything anyway. I know. - shrug-

Of cos' that doesn't mean that I am smiling every single day, pushing my limit everyday. I am still hoping, still crying, still angry, still cursing, still sad. But I am also moving on.
One day you might not see me anymore and with all of your doings, I hope this is what you wanna see. You won't hear me or see me writing anything bad or good about you anymore.

I know this still sounds bitter but which part of moving on in the above paragraph did you not understand?
If you still don't, I suggest you stop reading my chunky post and proceed below.

Picture post:

This is taken from New Asia Bar, when I was there with Yan & Reen on Wednesday.

You may find it pretty but I find it really boring. City lightings doesn't excite me that much.

Had breakfast @ Mama Bakery with Vonx & Krist today.

On the way saw this vintage cars display in my primary school.

Mama Bakery @ Square 2,Novena.

Japanese bread own by really friendly and polite Japanese ladies. You have to look & act kawaii too.

I hear SW vomitting and rolling his eyes (Krist's joke about rolling eye upwards is really joke of the day.) Kidding, I looked like a drag without makeup this morning. Had a shock when I saw myself in the mirror and quickly rushed outta the toilet.

Quite a nice place for some very nice bread. However do not even think of trying to be healthy and order orange juice. I forced myself to finish that cos' it costs me bloody $2.80 a glass.

You can't miss that place cos' it's not possible not to be swoon over by their breads' aroma once you walk past.

A nice place for a breakfast session when the breads are freshly baked with friends, with your partner or just yourself and a book. =)

Our breads put together.
A good chance I would go there again, even if it means waking up early on a Sunday to go Novena. (Provided I am not dead by Saturday.)

That's all I would share for this week. If you bother reading all the time, thank you for that.

I should continue to bury myself in the books I borrowed. Oh, I've been to Bishan library (like finally) and I like it.

Meanwhile...Just keep listening to Leona Lewis 'Better in Time'. This is so about me now.

Roarr!

I know, I just have to put my picture. Why, cannot meh?

You might regret what you let slip away, like the geek in the pink - J.Mraz

2009-03-14T12:16:00.004+08:00

Well I ain't no geek but you ~~might~~ would regret what you let slip away anyway.

This is gonna be stuck in my brain (and mouth) for an undefined period of time.
It is NOT easy to identify and really digest that the guy you are or were with is actually not that into you.

Each page I read (from the book) is a big kick to my stomach. Distasteful facts but they are true,aren't they?

Let me share with you some pointers from the book.

He's just not that into you if he is not dating you.

Don't get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he'll do the asking.
An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of "runining the friendship."
If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.

He's just not that into you if he is not calling you.(My favourite by far)

If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind. (Tell me how true this is!)
If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he wil do the same for big things.Be aware of this and realise that he's okay with disappointing you. (Oh wow~Bull eye!)
Don't be with someone who doesn't do what they say they're going to do.(Sure cos' he never got into doing it anyway despite YEARS!)
If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.
"Busy" is another word for "asshole." "Asshole" is another word for the guy you're dating.

100% of men polled said they've never been too busy to call a woman they were really into. As one fine man said, "A man has got to hace his priorities."

A man who likes you wants to spend time with you. And he'll only settle for talking to you on the phone five times a day when he physically can't come to see you.

Missing someone is a sign of a healthy relationshio. Not respectiing your need to have some form of connection with him while he's away IS NOT.

Regardless of his dislike for talking on the phone, he should respect and care for you enough to call you, if only because he knows that it will make you happy.

So fuck it! Fuck it, fuck you.

Anyway that part is all reserved for Jason and I am always disappointed with him, STILL AM!
The fact that after all these years, he is still not doing anything about anything..I have to really learn it that he is just not that into me.

I don't know why am I always excusing him with his 'I am not a phone person' excuse and always the loser that call him first? Yes, LOSER!

I don't know why am I always happy to settle for the lesser from him such as an occasion 'good night dear, I miss you.' and that kinda messages don't even last for good.

I don't know why am I always putting up with his commitments for soccer, for work when it just means his bloody self-interests come on top of me? He never thought of even forsaking any of those for my sake or even just politely ask for my feelings. AND he never makes up for it anyway.

After this breakup, he even has the bloody cheek to point the knife point back to me and hurting me so much that I wish I could die. And he only had that little decency and small guts to SMS me AFTER I contacted him, telling me he is not worth so much of my pain, WITHOUT doing anything about it actually.

It made my blood boils each time I think of all these and fuck it, it still hurts. I don't know why am I always, ALWAYS telling people that Jason is a very nice boyfriend and really still saying so! Why am I so fucking stupid over someone that told me he loved me and still think about me BUT IS NOT DOING ANYTHING to PROVE IT!

Why don't you just come and tell me that you just don't love me no more and actually never really did? Maybe you did but it has long stopped and you didn't realised that?

Yes, time can wear out the passion degree in a relationship but it is up to you to work on it! I don't know and can't recall the amount of times I wanted him to put the calling me as a habit. Be it just a 3 minutes call, call me..talk to me. Is it that difficult?

You are really disappointing me major time! You never work on that initiative which is actually just a natural thing to do.

Busy is really your fucking excuse! Who isn't working? You are just holding 2 jobs at your own accord and no one's forcing you. I don't see you earning that big anyway so what's the point? If you are so busy with work and is a high flyer, I might have excuse you for being BUSY afterall.But what? What? WHAT?

No! Money is not the issue here. It is your attitude and the way you are SUCK BIG TIME!

In the past, I never understand how difficult a phone call can get. In your case, even a SMS is difficult to pine for. I was literally surprised each time I see your message on times I would not expect it. It's like winning a small prize and as a boyfriend for 5.5years, THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF!

I often tell my friends what are you so busy with? You are so busy that you have no time to call me to ask about my day, to tell me you miss me BUT has the time to eat, to visit toilet, to login to emails and forward bo-liao promotions, to talk on the phone,to strum the guitar, to watch Jason Mraz on Youtube, and NOW even to login to Facebook to comment on others' photos. Sure anything but to call your girlfriend (ex-girlfriend now..I know). AND HAS THE CHEEK TO TELL ME YOU MISS ME ALL THE SAME.

Jason....FUCK YOU!

You wouldn't know the tears I cried, the nights I could barely sleep, the times I broke down and cried in public. And even that I let you know(which you knew), you DID NOTHING ABOUT IT!

Oh, I know. Your very saint thinkings (Taught by whichever Saint) of "I am not your boyfriend now. I should let you learn to be strong and live a life without me. I don't deserve you. It would better that you hate me and can live on, knowing I don't deserved you." blah blah de blah is making you feel like Jesus huh?

Since you like playing Jesus, why not just go and tie yourself up on a cross altogether and hammer your own hands on it? Might as well look and act like one, don't be a half-fucked shite!

I don't mean to sound like such a bitter bitch but I have every right to be angry about it.

Anyway it is Saturday afternoon now. By the virtue of such a sunny weather out now, I hope you have fun sweating in work now.

Despite all these I wrote, I only meant for you to prove me something otherwise. But knowing you, I doubt you would really do anything about it.

It only concludes in the end...You are just not that into me.

Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.

So long...Jason, so many times...You are breaking my heart again and again...and again.Not only you are not going to try to mend it, you are not EVEN thinking about mending it anyway.

2009-03-12T22:21:00.002+08:00

I am about to really start blogging about my after thoughts but had done so, so many times in the day that I am now too tired to pen down.
There's only X time you can really let your emotions soak up your body cells. Overdoing it will kill them all.

Updates in my life.

-Had dinner with Yan & Reen last night and our last stop was New Asia Bar. My virgin visit and why didn't anyone bring me there before?

-Going to the TIMES book fair with Vonx, Yan & Reen after work tomorrow. Books, books, CHEAP books~Here comes I.

-Finally registered for the French Course @ Sengkang CC. Starting April 12th and I just have to put up with 8 Sundays. Feel proud of myself for not procrastinating finally. Yadda,yadda.

I am just a curbside prophet with my hands in my pocket, waiting for my rocket to come.

So maybe You are just NOT that into me afterall

2009-03-11T13:18:00.000+08:00

I am currently reading that book and I've to say,it's really funny.
A little brain washing but I guess I know better now.

Will blog more about this after today.
;)

2009-03-10T21:09:00.002+08:00

I browse through several CC websites and by far,I've only seen Sengkang CC offering French Course.
There are others but some were over and many not accessible.
Nearest would be Sengkang but it's every Sunday. -Groan-
Should I?

Some vote,pls. =)

I've seen the movie with Ming that time and I wanted to buy the book. It has been sometime since I last read a book ,last would be A Thousand Splendid Suns.

This book is so thin that I can finish within a day or half? Better savour it. Reading is such an expensive habit to keep up with.

Nothing much. I think I really should sleep early tonight. Woke up and look like a drag today.

Night~ Hehe.

Wanna be Lucky in love again

2009-03-09T21:53:00.002+08:00

I am not actively seeking for love.
I am not even really seeking for it.

But I still believe....Call me a hopeless romantic love fool, a stupid Nicholas Sparks' brainwashed reader...But I still believe.

Believe that one day I am lucky to be in love with my best friend, lucky to been where I've been, lucky to be coming home again.

=)

2009-03-09T21:03:00.002+08:00

I went to S'goon C.C to check out the new list of courses available. As usual there is no course for me. =(

Languages wise, there is only English, Chinese and Basic Japanese. I don't wanna learn the
'a,i,u,e,o' again!
Baking class...Sigh, I am terrified of making a fool outta myself in the class.
Music class...I recalled that my brother almost wanna smash the guitar on my head just teaching me how to pluck the tune outta the string.(And I still can't do it.)
Sewing...I would rather go learn climbing a tree.
Singing...Oh, brudder.

I am a really shy person and dare not make a fool outta myself at things, I know sometimes positive results would depend on my sacred good luck. (Runs low all the time)

Maybe I would drop by Bishan CC tomorrow after work and see what do they have to offer.

Oh well....

Sofie.M = Sophie Mraz,HAHAHA. Kidding.

2009-03-08T18:54:00.003+08:00

I bought this costly alphabets blings a long time ago and had used up M.I.C.H and M.I.A.

Obviously I have no more M, so I used the W,inverted. No more C and I am left with the rest.
Sophie Juliet,if you still remembered the name that I would love to give my daughter if I have one.

The key is IF I have one. If I have none, Sophie Juliet can't be use at all.
So I made use of the only S, O, P, F, I, E to stick on my Vaio.
Another spontaneous thing I did when I was cleaning up my room.

I like the spelling Sofie better but Sophie is fine with me.
Sofie.M. ;p
Sofie.Mia or Sophie.Mich. (Not Sophie Mraz)

Michelia is not a given name so sometimes I am not bothered with it. People can't pronouned it anyway so I am free to use any names I like.

Like last Saturday, I gave my name as Sophie at Papercuts. Hahaha.

Going to eat dinner and watch my 'Shoot Condor Hero Lengend' later. =D

I'm looking for love this time. Sounding hopeful but it's making me cry - J.Mraz

2009-03-08T17:48:00.003+08:00

I thought about these.

Why am I the one initiating a break up and nursing more sadness & hurt in the end?
Why am I the one initiating a phone call, a trash things out and still got not much that I hope for in the end?

Why am I the one who kinda had a crush first and find myself having the need to reject the love that I hoped for?
Why am I rejecting and yet feel bad and painful over it?

Why am I so stupid?

See...I am going to go plain honest now so no more alphabet soup. You like to read, you read. You do not want to hear the names, skip.

I was sore disappointed with the phone conversation I had with Jason on Saturday.
I dialed his number hoping for a good 5 minutes conversation and I forgot how long we were on the phone but there is NO conversation flow at all.

Then I realised after the break up, I am the one who always punch the numbers first.
Why?

Sure, I am not in a position to expect him to dial my number so I am not exactly unhappy over that. But the zero conversation flow is a big kick to my stomach.

What is that all about? Do we have nothing at all to talk to each other?
No, this is not how I like and want it. This is not healthy at all.

On the other hand, Ming is, more often than not, the one calling me on his own. It could be in the morning, lunch, after work or just random. Not everyday but quite often.

Jason, you do not know what you are missing out on when you made the excuse that you are not a phone person. Cos' you do not know the effect of daily conversation. It can bond 2 persons faster than you realised.
That is what you missed out on us cos' you would rather spend your time working away. Even without working, you won't think of calling me just for a good 5 minutes.

Of cos' the conversations between Ming & me is not exciting everytime but that's not the point here,is it?

So why do I find myself always feeling the need to stop Ming's advances? Why am I always trying to talk him outta it and feel exasperated yet amuse when he dismissed my idea?
Why am I always scare and worried that I would hurt him one day if I returned to Jason?
WHY am I thinking and hoping that Jason & I would be back,just like that?

I am not going to play nanny here again. This is so fucking a waste of my time and emotions for nothing.

First thing first,I have to stop thinking that Jason wants us back. He seems to lead a good time now anyway, not that I am not. But I do not see alot of efforts anyway.
Of cos' I am not disregarding everything that he did, in the past or now.
I was over the moon when I heard he asked me to go to J.Mraz's concert with him. I was so happy not because of it's J.Mraz's concert but because he asked me to go.

Second thing,I do not have to reject Ming altogether. Sure he can tell me that he likes me now but then?

I am not going to expect anything and feel stuck between these 2 BOYS!

Romantically, Ming can gives me what I want. Stability, Jason.
But then none of them are really doing anything that moves me?
So why am I feeling responsible anyway? I figured that I am thinking too much for the goodness of them, worrying that any step I take would hurt either one so badly.

What for? If Jason doesn't find the effort of communication vital, I am not forcing on him either. If I can't talk Ming outta it, so be it.

I am moving on. I do not want to stay here and in the end, I have nothing to fend myself.

You like me, you love me? Do something about it?

Ming asked just now (be in jokingly or not) that what can he do to make me change my mind? (Change my mind and accept him?)
I said,"Show me a reason."
That boy may be too young and then too Saggitariusy to understand that but I am not going to waste time. Bah!

Show me a reason. Show me some actions.
I am not going to sit here and wait my time away while you are happily living your life away.

I am moving onwards and catch my attention,if you can.

Who knows....This time, I may really find someone worth's my time. =)
I am not being boastful but I really think sometimes, that I am not a bad girlfriend material.

It's not easy to move my heart and enter my doors.
So?
Take on me or leave it.

"I'm looking for love this time. Sounding hopeful but it's making me cry."

There's no stopping us - Jason Mraz

2009-03-08T00:03:00.009+08:00

Sunday is officially a day for me to lump-date(Lump-update) all the entries that I ~~am lazy~~ missed updating for the week.

Here goes nothing.

On 5th March 09, Thursday, I was invited to watch Jason Mraz with Jason. I was so excited! It has always been a wish of mine to go to a big,live concert and suddenly it came true!
To add on to the sparks, it is JASON MRAZ that I'm going to watch!

This is the original colour photo which I put on FB. I just have to make it black & white cos' this one made me shudder.

We sat at the top level but central seatings so all we see is merely a lego like figurine on the stage,if not for the projector.

Still it was good, Lucky enough to get a ticket to his concert. Jason Mraz is just AMAZING! I am never a fan that's crazy enough to buy every album, cut and collect every of the idol's picture from magazines. (Well... I was like that in secondary school,except for the buying album part...For Backstreet Boys.)
Digress: One of the concerts that I regret not going is actually the Backstreet Boys and 张学友's)
Damn.

It was an exhilarting 2 hours worth of experience listening to Mraz live. If you what you hear from him on radio, you would really soar to heaven when you finally hear him live. That Mraz-ing!Of cos' I won't go on describing that mes-Mraz-ing night. All I would say is, it is a once a life time experience.

There's no more worshipping a single human with talents as an idol but still, admiration from the heart goes strong.

And comes 7th March 09, Saturday, I had a date with Yvonne.
My artistic genes filled friend was supposed to go to Yamaha, PS for some audition but the audition timing was 'screwed' by their own staff with little apologies.

Thank God she hasn't decided to jump the bill on me hence, if not I would be left alone on yet another Saturday. Would probably rot again in some Starbucks and go home.

We combed just the Tanglin mall to Orchard and it can actually took us the whole good of Saturday.
What happened to us? Age's catching up or actually better sense of appreciation of life?
Instead of just merely walking the mall like how we did as teenagers, we really walk in the stores and appreciate the displayed items, taking in the details of life and savor the sweetness.
=)

I suggested going to that alfresco cafe - Beviamo @ Tanglin Mall, L2. I thought it looks really nice and a cafe always filled with Ang Mohs, shouldn't be that bad? I like the layout and thought it must have been expensive.

When we looked @ the menu, the prices seem reasonable for a cafe and the desserts, look cheap. Happy me & hungry Vonx decided to settle our lunch there.

We ordered the 9 pieces of Three mushrooms ravioli (Pictures found at my FB) first, $15. When it arrived, it looks so small and unfilling!
Somehow for a peculiar reason, the food that we ordered (later chicken sandwich to share) always seem so much lesser as compared to the tables around us.
For what their main courses cost, the portion is very unstatisfying. And I am not even going to go about the taste. It tastes very healthy would be my only comment.

What entices us was this piece of carrot cake that they displayed at their counter.

Looks nice,eh? It was something that both of us thought perhaps Beviamo would be a good place just to come here for high tea. Their coffee and cakes are not expensive.

But the moment we ate that piece of carrot cake, we decided not to go there anymore. Not for the food, not for the drinks, not for the ambience. Maybe this is just a regular kopitiam for the Ang Mohs so they are always there.

Oh well...Talk about things you never try, you'd never know.

We proceeded to Iwannagohome after that and Vonx picked her first wall painting for her upcoming home.

A very emo-tic picture. It's the only left with the violet-ish washout effect. Nice!

A sucker for baby pink stuff me actually bought this notebook @ $14. =/

I remember seeing a similar (but much prettier) design of such in a magazine. Also a silhouette heels with pink or white crystals embedded on a cup. Sadly I can't find that one yesterday.

But I like this one soooo much. If not that I have no use for it, I would have bimbotically bought it.

I am not going to upload every single photos I took so you may like to go to my FB for more.

We went to Friven & Co (Opposite Tanglin Mall, the former Post office).

My favourite picture took there.

Friven & Co, for the rich. (A bathrode costs $195 and I think it is discounted from the way they highlighted the pricing.)
Infact the whole of Tanglin is catered for the rich and mainly ang mohs. =/ Wondered if I would ever, ever be associated with them? But I care too much for the little things I have now, that is not so expensive.
I guess it is just the nice, clean and atas feel that I craved for. That neat apartment, the higher taste of living, who won't like?

Sure, a matter of state of mind. But I reach no nirvana yet so well..

Wouldn't you rather your kid to play in such a nice environment too? No?

We stopped to infuse caffeine in our blood @ Starbucks nearby.
Von flexed her artistie right hand to doodle on receipts and I would snap pictures, stealing the moments of life and keeping it (in my Vaio).

Question, is Caramel Frapuccino made of expresso? Why is there a hint of slight bitterness? I always thought frapuccino uses latte (which I don't really fancy). Anyway it is nice.

After much resting, we headed to Ngee Ann City. From The Better Toy Shop to ArtFriends to Kinokuniya to Coach to Fendi to Sophomore(I THINK~Forgot the name of that makeup store) to Isetan,Wisma.

What was intended for perhaps just a afternoon trip ended up with us parting @ 9pm plus. Hahaha. Haven't shopped around town for a long time with a girlfriend. What the hell was I doing?
Oh, I was attached and they are attached. That's why.

Some last few pictures which I like to share.

I bought the heart bone pendant (I called this heart bone cos' it's empty inside) @ $5. =D

Saw this white TY angel bear and I like. Maybe I should go hint to those guys who claimed that they like me and see if he would really buy for me. Hahaha.

This is already an open hint going out to one and I wonder should I tell the other one too? Hmph~I would explain my theory behind that, next entry after my Cinderella's Sunday chores.

A box of flowers! How nice and romantic! Imagine your dearest couriered you a box and when you open, it is a bed of flowers~

Flowers may be impermanent but still I wouldn't object receiving it once in a while. Even if it is not a bed of flowers inside, just imagine a box of lovely small things. That would be so nice and romantic!

A box of Tiggers? Hehehe.

Ok, I gotta end here. I have an announcement to make later cos' I have been brewing over it since yesterday. I am a little angry, disappointed once more but hey, I've reached a stage whereby I am so OVER all these emotions that they wash outta my body easily.

That however doesn't mean , I am not going to do anything about it.

Get it from me next post, later.

My chopstick sister with me @ Friven & Co. =))

Last picture.

XOXO,
Ling.

Going to see Jason Mraz tomorrow.

2009-03-04T21:28:00.001+08:00

My first ever concert.
;)

-Yell~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~-

ROARRRRRR~

Maybe time alone would make you see how deep our love could be - 911

2009-03-02T21:00:00.004+08:00

Did you manage to catch the big rainbow arc lately?
I did and yesterday was my second time seeing that big rainbow. =)

That's the best my handphone could do. I adjusted the exposure to make the rainbow more apparent.

As a kid,I was always fascinated by the beauty of a rainbow. It is often difficult to witness a nice complete rainbow so I think it is really nice,even lucky to see such a big rainbow.

The one I saw the first time was even nicer. Think it was 2 Wednesdays ago.

Beautiful things are impermanent or unattainable?

I don't know and wouldn't like so.

Think I should just go sleep. =)

It takes a night to make it dawn - Jason Mraz

2009-03-01T18:37:00.004+08:00

I haven't really start an entry quoting Mraz's song for a long time and I miss it.
Jason Mraz is coming to town and I know Jason has been crazing to get the tickets. I would love to see Mraz's performance but I am not the sort of that would drop dead in front a mega star.

I would be happy just to read his blog (well inspired and written) and listen to him singing when I feel like it.
Unlike Jason, he would go to youtube to watch his performances, try to sing every of his songs and even capped on a hat for the Mraz's style.
It is abit o_O,disturbing. HAHA!

It takes a night to make it dawn.
It often takes one action for another thing to happen.
I have been reflecting my current situation and I know it's my bad. But I wouldn't think I could handle it better anyhow. I guess sometimes life just happens the way it happened.

You may think you are stupid enough to make that kinda mistake but think, you wouldn't be smart enough to avoid making that mistake then. Even if you were to avoid that mistake, would you feel happier stuck in that situation?
You'd probably stuck in that situation wishing you did something about it.
Hence can you still call that a mistake?

That, I am referring to me.
Should I not choose to part with Jason that eventful day in January, would I be happier anyhow?
I guess I'd not. I would have probably spend my time thinking about what I could have and find myself locking in.
Our relationship had been too long and it had reached a point whereby we are not moving. More often than not, we find myself trying hard to smile to each other, trying to relieve in something when we know it is no longer there.

This parting has indeed taken a lot of me and I am still trying to live with that.
So much hurt and so much agony along the way, yet the answer to live with that is still to communicate, talk to each other and forgive.
Forgiveness seems like an easy job to do but it takes alot to achieve that everyday.
When you wake up in hurt every morning, it would take alot to learn to let go and forgive what caused the hurt.

Forgiveness is not a one way ticket. I guess in life, it is a cycle. You can't expect one thing to happen without something causing it and it causing another thing.
When I want to forgive the hurt done, I have to seek for forgiveness for expecting things.
That~is what Shireen taught me.=)

Although I still think forgiveness is subjective --Depending if the person is worth it or not, but I think it is a wise lesson in the end.

So back to what I'm saying...This parting made me realise how much I had miss having Jason by my side. The things we had been through, the things we had done and the things we could have done.
A lot of times, I felt stupid for doing the things I did but I come to realise, I couldn't have done it better then.

It's not saying that I am having it alot worse now. I am not. I know my friends care. Tonnes of messages etc filled my phone and I am grateful, touched.
And I guess I got what I thought I wanted. In a way, yes...It is still what I wanted but I know, I want a clear future with Jason more.

I know I can't have best of both worlds and I would never think of that. If I still have the opportunity to choose, I would know what to choose.
That doesn't mean I would not regret. I would still regret but I guess, c'est la vie.

Other than it being a cycle,it is too full of opportunity costs.

I just don't know when would it be and really, do I still have the chance?

PS: Don't you miss my face in my blog? Muahahahahaa.

I miss the volume of my hair. Sobz. But without the flat hair now, my hair would remain in the dying stage.

Oh well...

Hello, First of March

2009-03-01T12:24:00.009+08:00

Holycow! It's already March!

Good Sunday and good 1st of March to you.

Supposedly I had a breakfast invitation from Vonx & Krist today but that invitation was only smsed to me at 1.30am. So much for impromtu-ness. Haha.

By the time I woke up (only to fall asleep in 10 seconds flat), it was already 6.30am. My body signalled that it was too tired for any other weekend activities and screamed for a rest.

I woke up at 9.30am again to see Ming's morning greeting at 7.30am. I slumped back to lalala land and finally woke up 8 minutes before 12 noon. Hohoho.

That's my Sunday for you. Woke up quite unused to my flat hair which inturn makes my face looks rounder than ever.(Groans)

Some backdating for you.

On Friday, I met up with Vonx & Irene @ Suntec for dinner.

Vonx & I decided to settle for this Korean eatery @ Suntec basement. Looks not bad but tasted quite food-court for me. Plus they served their food so fast (Oh, I dislike that self service idea.) which makes me wonder if all of their food are already made ready and all they have to do is warm it up?

Irene arrived after OT and delighted us with some of the yummies she bought from Paris~(Oh and that white LV damier which is not seem in SG market --That of cos' is only for our eyes). Vonx is more delighted with the packagings than its' contents, I guess. Haha.

And I presented to you all the macaroons' papa/mama.

Irene told us this is where macaroon origin and in Paris, you had to queue to get it. Costs around $3.05 (I hope I rememebered this right) per macaroon. When you finally eat this, you can snort at the local ones.

Nonetheless it was Vonx who treated me to my very virgin macaroon on the same day.

Bakerzin was having this $1 per macaroon offer and she was literally amazed that I never eaten any before. “你还是女人吗？”was her exact same queston when I told her I have never eaten macaroon before. So she insisted buying the bakerzin one for me.

I felt like I was eating some blackcurrent yoghurt candy though. The one from Paris is really sweet and sour at the right note.

We went to TCC, Millenia to chill out, replacing coffee with some tea/soya freeze.

I just love Von's ring from Diva. So nice eh?

Faces I love since poly days and will so, for the rest of my life. =)

On Monday, Ming & I went to his sister's school performances @ Lunar Bar.

Absolutely boring. A group of not so fanstatic vocals with a major group of supporters (friends and families) in a not so impressive bar. The website sure looks very different.

But still I oughta thank Ming for an invitation (And he paid for it) cos' I wouldn't know how Lunar Bar looks like without him. Irene calls it the 'chi-na' uncle place and I am pretty sure I won't waste money to go in again. Lolx.

And on last Sunday, I had a lovely breakfast time @ Dome, Demsey. That is pretty much the highlight of that week.

I had never been to Demsey before though I long heard of the romantic atmosphere there. It was Shireen's idea and I really love it there.

It's really a romantic place to be at for weekend breakfast and of cos' many famous cafes like PS Cafe etc are just right over there.

Pictures of food found @ Facebook.

I am glad to befriend Von's friends and really thanks to her, my group of good girlfriends expands. Haha.
From the lady in yellow and in anti-clockwise direction are Zann, Yanling and Shireen. (Then me & Von) Reen & Yan are part of the KL foursome. Hehe. I miss that KL trip.

We visited Jones the grocer opposite after breakfast and I was so excited to see such a nice place!

I wanted to go there again and hopefully next breakfast session with them would be there!
A place filled with rich ang mohs mainly and actually the food are not exactly unaffordable. Normal cafe breakfast prices but it is the ambience that you really wanna paid for.

Such a nice place and somehow I wish that one day, Jason & I would go there. =) Well...I hope.

Afterwhich Reen, Von & I went to walk around town, starting from Tanglin.

We spontaneously bought ourselves TY plushies namely - Farker,Wanker & Nuts. Lol.

(Actually name Barkers, P'Nuts & Wankler.)

And we visited St. Regis for toiletbreak. The washrooms there are so nice! We wouldn't mind spending hours inside till it really gets too warm.

Ps: They even have moisturiser!!

I bought these @ Wheelocks place. I just have to buy a pair even though Minnie's cuter. I have not open it yet..hoping I can find someone to give it one day. ;)

On Saturday after work, I went to Starbucks,Central to emo.

Caramel machiato (sp?) is nice!

And lastly on last Wednesday/Thursday, the mini group of us celebrated Yin's bday in advance @ Canele, Orchard.

Really nice cakes they have there!

Ok, that's mainly what I have to do with back dating.

Hopefully more exciting things come up in the coming month. Gonna start loving life again.

Muack!

Ps..I miss you.

Saturday is finished...just like that.

2009-02-28T23:48:00.002+08:00

I knew my hair is 1 foot in the coffin when I realised how badly tangled it always become whenever I shampoo. I procrastinate alot cos' I dunno what to do with it.

I have been meaning to do the treatment that Queen Irene did @ Supercuts except she doesn't know what treatment is that. Haha.

Since I am free today (like finally a Saturday to rest), I decided that I might just go do that.

I tried googling for the name of that treatment,hopefully able to check the cost of it.

To my horror, I read some horrible feedback from some random forums regarding a certain stylist @ Supercuts,Compasspoint.

Of cos' I read about one recommended one as well.

Before I head to Sengkang, I thought I might as well just check out what S'goon Central has to offer first. Unfortunately, most salons were pretty crowded. I thought if I wanna really salvage my hair, I must really bear the price of it. (Really BIG price!)

I gingerly stepped in,hoping the best for both my hair and wallet. I did not ask for any specific stylists but kept my fingers crossed that it ain't that guy who had very bad review got recommended to me.

Lucky for me~It was Kitty (Hello~Kitty) that attended to me. Kitty was the one that received good reviews. I was right about my hair but I didn't know it was that bad till she told me.

I wouldn't go on how what she does to my hair (cos' I really don't know either) but now I ended up looking like what I did to my hair in Dec 07. That (natural/soft)rebonded hair. But that wasn't rebonding she did to my hair cos' she said my hair can't afford to go through any of those again.

It does feel nice to have tamed hair but I hate the flatness of it. Wel...give it a few days, hopefully the volume would grow back. Meanwhile, I should just enjoy being 'light-headed'. I didn't know my hair was so heavy till it becomes light.

I bought the Kose black mask 2 days back. The shop was having some promo and I think I got this at half price. Woot!

Nothing special but just like to show you my black masked face. Hahaha.

Has lots more to update but I am tired. It is very likely that I would then become lazy to blog abou those too. Hahaha.

Nice weather to sleep. Shouldn't waste it.

Nights~

I heartx bears plushies~

And I resumed blogging

2009-02-28T11:57:00.002+08:00

Tell me that you weren't gonna believe when I said this blog is going on hiatus.
Well, technically it did but business resumes WEF today. =D

Plans for a good Saturday.
Go do hair treatment @ Compass-point(Now I think this is gonna costs), roams around the area and go home for my 'Shoot Condor Hero Legend' @ 7.30pm.

Haven't been resting probably on Saturdays and I am glad that this one is gonna be nice!

Lots of photos to be shared.

Update soon.

XOXO,
Ling

So this is goodbye - Maroon 5

2009-02-20T13:51:00.002+08:00

Silent Sanctuary would be hitting hiatus.
Blogger is killed.

Till the next post.
Thanks for visiting.

(What the fuck.)

My picture

2009-02-18T13:19:00.002+08:00

Before SW cringed, this entry is not about MY picture literally. Lol.
Sigh.

My picture...my world. Why must you insist of coming into when I am trying to be difficult?

"What would you do about it?Why must you be so cruel?"
I don't know. I can't give a definite answer now cos' nothing is clear on the coast.

I was never really in your picture in the first place...why is there a sudden change of the wind direction? Why are you suddenly interested in mine and it seems that there is nothing I can do to stop you from barging your way through.

Should I tell you the real reason(s) or consideration of why I am not allowing you nor anyone else to come into my picture?
You think it is only fair for you to hear about it...I guess so too.

I am not trying to deny but I think I have no purpose to tell you in the past. Now you are showing me a reason that I should...If I say so, what more changes would it make to my world?

I've been dealing with so much changes in the recent months...Really,must you be another one?

Why does all these seem fated right from the start?
Right from the start I saw you, it seems that a day like today (though I never expected it) is coming its way after all.

2009-02-18T12:49:00.000+08:00

世界是圆的我想我们会再见面
而心情是粉碎的也许这才是最完美的结局
今晚　让我们彼此冷静地说声　珍重再见
就像庆祝我们曾经轰轰烈烈爱过的每一天
今晚　让我们断了可恨的争吵和不停的抱歉
留下一个吻　或许一个拥抱
让这段感情停在这最温柔的一天
我不想继续哭哭啼啼　说我多么委屈
我开始怀疑自己多少事事无能为力
我不想藉着密密麻麻　悲伤的日记
继续欺骗着　安抚着自己
我不想等到一天　感情已经被谁代替
才经由朋友口中　传来背叛的消息
我不愿这段情分　走到最后无法呼吸
连一声问候　连一点消息都觉得痛心
都感到多余
别让我恨你

别让我恨你-陈洁仪

Why must he always intro me songs that would crack my heart...
Sigh.

Teenage school girl entry

2009-02-16T21:02:00.003+08:00

I like 胡歌. =)
I first saw his handsome profile on one of those lame chinese mixed hongkong actors kinda 古装戏 and was drawn by his boyish good looks.

I have a soft spot for guys who have good looking eyes,double eyelids and defined brows. In short, boyish good looks. -sigh-

If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be bothered to watch yet another version of 射雕英雄传 on Channel U,weekend slot now. Actually this one is still not that bad though I am a little tired of the story. Well better 射雕 than 神雕 or 绝代 or 鹿鼎! The last 3 are OVERLY remade and I am so sick!
At least 射雕 has 郭靖 and I like him.

I almost fainted when my family watched the last version of 射雕英雄传. I think it was that Faye Wong's husband(or ex-husband now) that casted as 郭靖 and I felt like killing him.
Not only the show was BAD, that 郭靖 totally destroyed my likings for the character!

My favourite 郭靖 has to be 张智霖 though.

I like 爱不死.
This song was introduced by Ming. He kept nudging me to listen to that song previously and when I finally get my ass to find it, my first impression was..."what a weird tune."
Before I listen, I kept saying what 死不爱, irritating him. =p

It was sang by 陈晓东, I like too. His looks and 胡歌's belong to the same genre. Big eyes, boyish looks. =D

And 张智霖 also that category. =)

(But not a nice pose here.)

This was last night post. I wanted to carry on with something till a phone call came in. Was exasperated,looks like there is no way I can talk my way outta that yet. Groans.

Wrong things, wrong people, wrong words, wrong feelings all at the wrong time.

A-r-g-h!

2009-02-15T18:06:00.004+08:00

What a warm day!I thought it is usually March that's so warm?

Please forgive me for being rude. I am often trapped by frustrations cos' I do not know what you want. There is little efforts put into communication all along and don't say I am accusing about this.
I have yet to said I felt accused of something you said too. Do not flip the knife back at me.
I really do not know what to do and how to do.
Should I do it your way so you would feel better and of cos' you don't seem to be too willing to try it my way or even hear it.

Oh well...There is only that much I am willing to let myself cry like that night, been through a pain like that a certain length of period and go through the feeling of hopes revival and not meeting the light cycle a 'X' number of times.

I am sorry that I keep getting this feeling from you. I don't know why myself either.
When I don't hear from you, I can only rely on my guess and feel,right?
And when all that are being replaced by the coincidental misplace of events by Time, wrong choices of words, insecurities, would I be blamed for not being able to trust you...Trust that you are still the same, still the one for me?

When I just wanted to hear an answer from you, perhaps just a small affirmation...I may have phrased my words in an angry manner. I can't help it, can I? I was indeed angry but do you know why? Do you bother to find up?
No..It is not your responsibility anymore. That's why you don't.

Oops! Accusations, here I go again.

My apologies, monsieur.

(Wait till you really see what you have done to me.)

All my love and blessings to Zhiqin and Yvonne

2009-02-15T01:28:00.002+08:00

So another one gets hitched in our group. =)

To the new couple, my lovable sister and her DD,

Today's Valentine's Day and now I would always remember Valentine's Day with the memories of today.

It has always been a touching moment for me to see my good friends taking their vows with their chosen partners in life.

You have all of my blessings and love.

I am so proud to be part of your happiness and I am proud of you. =)

The promise to love, to have and to hold.

Love you Von,

Ling

Pictures post

2009-02-14T11:13:00.003+08:00

Happy Valentine's Day. With or without a Valentine, the day still goes on.
Sure,sure...The latter stinks but what to do?

Anyway today is my chopstick emo half's wedding!!! Gosh, I still can't believe that is Yvonne there,standing and taking her vows with Zhiqin.
Zhiqin was so nervous and adorable!

I absolutely adored Vonx's DIY everything. They look so nice and I have no doubt at all that the cookie would taste good.
I heartx that champagne bubble door gift!!It's so unique and really cute!

Had coffee with Reen after all the couple friends ditched us. Hahaha.
Well...technically we didn't have coffee. She had ice lemonade tea and...Oh wait, I have coffee alright,green tea soy latte. No wonder it tasted so sweet. Lattes really not my cuppa.

When it is Reen and me, we did mainly cussing the useless men in our lives.(Excluding fathers and friends.)
So much for Valentine. Boo!
But I heartx my bunny..heee. Wish I have the voice tonight. Kept coughing and laughing voiceless laughter. My throat was protesting with the exertion.

So this is supposed to be a photo post. Some photos updates to brighten the dimming and more borier blog.

On Valentine's Eve.

Got Melissa a stalk of rose. I like the tinted ends. After work, I accompanied her to get a rose for Eric (That gay friend, refer to last picture post.)I got a stalk with her and she asked whose it's for.
I handed it to her after stepping outta the shop and nothing makes me happier to see people's honest smile.
If I can do something like that which is not too dear to the pockets but sweet enough, I don't see how hard it is to do it for me all along?
It is afterall just these small little things that I asked for.
NEVER MIND! It's over,isn't it?

Nonethless I still have to thank Jason for delievering this bottle of roses to my office. Like I'd said it, I didn't know should I smile when I received it. (Ended up I was the only one that received roses in office on that day.)

At the same time, it made me confused of what he is really thinking.To me, it just contradicts everything and I was perflexed.
Should I just leave it or pursue on?

(I did the latter today only to get rejected in the end. Late? I thought nothing's too difficult if you meant to meet. Oh..I forgot. I was not in the agenda anyway.
I think I should leave it.)

It is beautiful though I pitied the bear that looks squashed.

I'm glad my parents haven't questioned me whose it's from yet....Keeping my fingers crossed. To tell the truth or not are both bad choices.

No matter how, I should say thank you and I think I had thanked more than I should. SMS,facebook and here.

On Monday's lunch

There's a new shopping mall opening across my work place.Melissa and I were tentalized by the seemly yummy korean food displays.

We went there with another new colleague during Monday's lunch.

It's a fairly small outlet and there were 2 authentic Korean staff serving. That guy is quite friendly!

Kimchi cheese baked rice

Japchai something. It's just like dong fen with rice.

Beef with rice. Seriously this is the best.

We shared the dishes and I had thought the portion looked unfilling. But hell, it is really filling! Mainly they gave alot of rice.

It wasn't anything that yummy actually but managable. Gee...I am hungry now.

$5-$6 per dish. Can try it if you are nearby.

Miscelleneous

Tracy got this Prada bag and she was so excited. Got it at this 2nd hand branded shop at Parklane but this one is brand new, a whole $1000plus cheaper. Wth?

Honestly I still don't get the novelty of branded. Sure they are nice but not that affordable.

I don't see how most people would appreciate the same design and even same quality but without the name.

-shrug-

I merely visited Wanru's pet and she asked why I am stalking hers. -________-
I think her pet must be really rich though. Hahahahha. I took that photo cos' I was surprised to see that ours look almost the same.

Ok..next post would be for my Von.

Tired but more hungry now. Maybe I should sleep the hunger away.

Roar.

2009-02-13T21:14:00.002+08:00

Thank you for the flowers.
It was sweet and neither had I expect it. I was still in doubt when my colleagues said it was for me.
I would have smile acceptingly but I didn't know what kinda expression I should wear to fit into what should be right.

Thank you nonetheless.
Happy Valentine's Day to you too.

I am writing someting....Explains the lack of posts.
Apologies.

2009-02-10T21:19:00.002+08:00

I really do not know what you want. Not that you are communicating across also.
I really am tired by your seemly indifference and no actions. Not to mention the badly stabbed decayed wounds you did.

No matter how you actually think you feel inside,think inside...You are just signing the message of you are now happy in a world of your own,doing things at your pace etc, to me.
You can then try to tell me that things aren't the way I see but I've got only one question to that.

Why am I seeing and still feeling it this way?
If I am not being assured of, why do you bother to explain that things aren't the way I perceived.

You are letting me really tired and I still don't know if by running me this way makes you feel justified and happy.
Even if you are not, the message you are giving is telling me so. Cos' despite that you can tell me I am not over in your life, you are only bother to explain so when I pushed you to an edge.

I don't even know why I have to do that to hear the things I wanna hear.

The worse of dealing with all these is that I have to keep my emotions under control so I would tear myself apart.

I don't wanna cry anymore.
I don't wanna push you anymore.
I don't wanna keep waiting for things that you never wanna give.

Single life? You think that if I want to open out my heart, I would have no one charging for me?
I am just holding back cos' I wanted to wait for you, wait for us.
I am just holding back cos' I don't want that poor guy to receive a broken heart.
I am just holding back cos' I don't want to hurt that poor guy if I know I am waiting here.

Looks like...you don't want me to wait either.

June 21st?
The message you are putting to me is..."let's forfeit this deal."

And now...I don't even wanna push you for your answer anymore.
You make me so tired now...

Pictures post

2009-02-08T19:00:00.005+08:00

All the photos are found on my Facebook but just for the beneficial of maintaining this blog, I would just post some pictures.

Volunteering with Fyn & Benson

This is the volunteers' T shirt. It was great fun helping out that there and I am utterly thankful to both Fyn & Benson for this invitation.

I always wanted to try volunteering but I found no companion in the past.

Now that I have the time, I should really try to do something about it.

My favourite photo of us, by far.

Zoo Day

Unless you are interested to see the animals photos (blah!),you can visit my Facebook for it.

This however is my favourite photo!

This proposal totally took me by surprise. It was all very well planned & no one would have expected it.

The girl together with another caucasian guy were chosen to play with the seal and when it was her turn to take photo & kissed by the seal, the seal suddenly appeared 'shy' to kiss.

The emcee told the crowd that the seal knew she came with her boyfriend so the seal felt that he must asked the boyfriend's permission before he kissed her. (I fell for that...T__T)

So the boyfriend excitedly rushed up the stage and that's when he starts proposing.

It is seriously OMG! He was so nervous that he shook and voice trembled alot. Hahaha.

I can't imagine how he felt throughout the whole day when he brought her to the zoo and how he managed to sit still throughout the show.

That was so sweet and nice. Sigh~

This is the 'Kim-mo-kia' that went zoo with me. Well at least he wasn't complaining when he offered to carry my heavy bag. Infact he kinda enjoyed carrying it cos' he kinda refused returning back to me when I said I wanna carry myself.

Maybe he is turning gay afterall. (No really,he will never. -_-)

Curl hair trial - Before Dbl O

How I wish I can do this myself. I would like those curls but I like my hair straight too.

It is afterall (almost)every girls' dream to have nice curls on their heads. I was prett-ified by Melissa with her help with the curls & make up. I totally can't do anything good myself.

Well...maybe not pretty as in pretty but different for a night.

Melissa & me before make up. She invited me for dinner at the new hotel - Ibis. I dine and got make up for free~Woot!

Her friend, Eric & us in the lift. Eric is the real gay deal here. Hehehe. It is nice to have a gay friend....Kinda my wish to have one myself. Hahahaha.

Double O Hens' Night

Geeky spects are still the trend!

It's Students & Teacher night and man, was it fun to be dancing around with all the gals? Of cos' those guys are such fucking losers! I remembered there's a part whereby Wanru,Shireen,Yin,Kristin and myself were dancing in a circle. Suddenly I realised we were surrounded by guys who were dancing behind us.

Totally fucked up! Not to mention suddenly I find pairs of hands on my waist (different pairs!) and grinding me from behind. If I have a broken bottle of hand, I would slash their lower parts! And there's another pathetic guy in pink kept disturbing me while I danced. I can't be bothered to look at him and was hoping he gets the hint and leave. (which he did.)

Oh yea...Indians also! Fuck! I was dancing with Reen then 2 Indians suddenly came and "Hey girls~~." T_____T! Totally annoying!

Why are these guys so eager to find free dry humping and hopefully it leads them to free sex? I was totally disgusted to feel....*ahem...*erected penis behind me. I had to pull away that freak's hands off me twice. Fuck,fuck,fuck!

Maybe this is the club scene but don't mess with me! Assholes!

Waiting for photos from the cameras and will upload them again ^^.

Till the next time, I hope to see you good.

Pray that next week would be a good one for all of us and gasp!! Von is getting married in less than a week time!!!

Pictures brought to you by my Pixon..hehe.

2009-02-07T09:45:00.002+08:00

So long no blog.Silent sanctuary (Not Sa-ni-tary. Lol!) has been collecting fallen leaves.
The main reason that I've not been doing anything here is I am wrapped in Eclipse & Breaking Dawn,which I bough last Saturday.
Great,with both thick fictions undone, what I am gonna go next?
Reading has now become a dear-to-my-pocket habit.

Met Jason for less than 10 minutes on Wednesday to pass Charmaine's present. They are holding the celebration today which again in a contradicting feel of relief & something not being used to when I won't be there.

That less than 10 minutes meeting was a little awkward and I just hate it when he said good bye. The lump in my throat thickens for a while before I forced every emotions to the back of mind.
Felt normal after that.

Thursday was 'Zoo Day' with Ming. I was all hesitant to visit zoo again. Surprisingly there are some spots that kinda changed but I can still make out the parts where the memories lingered.
Other than that, it felt like a normal good time spent.
Ming always has this kinda ''clouding over bad emotions'' effect on me. I cheered up after a while and was feeling very happy when there is a marriage proposal @ the Splash animal show.

I remembered that spot when Fyn,Benson,Jason and I were caught standing in the corner...breathing the sweat and rain.
Ming & I got a very good seating and the proposal was done right infront of us. Catching the lady in surprise, catching me in surprise.
I almost wanted to tear myself, feeling so excited!

Proposal....Hmmm..I've got a fairly good idea of what I want other than that engagement ring.
-secret-

Returning back to work on Friday felt like a daze, as if I am away for work for 10 days instead.

Anyway, Hens' Night is TONIGHT!!
I got a fairly good idea what to wear except I can't wear that out obviously.
Melissa just curled my hair (very nicely this time round) and I wondered should I just turn up with curl hair instead?

Hmmm..
Pictures later..

Insanity

2009-02-01T03:53:00.002+08:00

It's 4am now. I can't sleep. It seems that no matter which way I curled up, I can't breathe and can't sleep. My tears just keep flowing, just keep on flowing. I don't know how else to make me feel better. My body is just withering in pain all over and I don't know what to do.

I don't know what is wrong. Is this retribution? Why aren't there anyone to save me? Why can't I stop crying even now? How am I gonna face the dawn in hours to come? How can I gonna fiend normalcy once day breaks? Why didn't God send his angels down to dry my tears?

I don't know why.
Why must he lied to me? Why did he reject me? Why must he tortured me like this? Why he has to treat me this way and leave me in such pain? Why didn't he fulfilled his promises to me? Why he has to leave me alone at a hour like this?

I don't know how to pretend anymore? Is it possible to go insane suddenly?
I struggled hard each day to do my day job, to eat and laugh like normal. The moment night falls and I am alone, I started crying again.
How I wish if by crying, I can push out all the sadness in my heart. But my heart...just keeps contracting in pain and I seriously, do not have the strength to even cry out loud.
It seems that the pain travels all over my body and I do not know how not to die like that.

I can't even be angry with you. If I have got any more energy, I'd exhausted it in keeping a font everyday.
I just don't get it why you have to treat me like this. 5.5 years of relatonship...Is this how you would want me to suffer for all I did?

The funny thing about this break up or cool down is I'd never ever totally blame you. From the start of it till now, no matter how bad my day can gets, I keep on reminding myself not to make things difficult for you and pushed myself alone.
No matter how much my parents question me, I kept quiet about it.
No matter how distant you have chose to become to me, I only hoped that you would soon find me.

If I did not remember wrongly, the objective of our cool down (so as you say) is not to totally isolate each other.
All these while, I was wishing so badly that you would soon find yourself to be who you were to me and me too. You would start paying more attention to me for good instead of leaving me to do every small things that's possible. I'd get tired you see, so I thought you would learn how really important this is to me.
I live on with the hope that you would start contacting me back, perhaps even miss me..telling me so and we could start step by step to make it back by June 21st.

Do you know that there are so many days that I wished to hear from you,especially on weekends. But you never call, don't really even sms. I wanted so badly to call you on so many occassions but I struggled to control this desire, thinking maybe you need more time than me.

Have you got any idea how many times I struggled to breathe beneath the waves of disappointments all these while?
But I just keep telling myself that this is what I initiated, I am in no position to ask for anything already. I only tried to be angry cos' I need the last of this energy to propel on. Oddly, it doesn't last. Very quickly, I was pulled under the waves again.

When I received your sms for a movie invitation on CNY eve, do you know how happy I was really? I had just written an angry post about you the day before yet I agreed to the movie with no hesitation.
Do you know I was so happy inside? But I don't dare to let you feel the 'weight' of the movie date so I kept my indifference throughout the trip. I don't want you to feel any sort of pressure when this could mean just a simple movie date for you.
Yet the moment you touched me, I can't help but to start crying.

Despite crying, I was so happy. I knew I still care and perhaps you are able to see me again. There are so many scenes long played in my head...wishing us back to where we started, when we really cared about each other.

When I messaged you telling you that I do still love you...Should I know better when you didn't reply me? Had I been silly to think maybe you are just tired? Or now that I realised...perhaps you didn't reply me the same cos'....you don't feel the same anymore?

I was so eager to see you again. We have never spend CNY apart since we were together. I was even on the GV website when I messaged you, asking can we watch another movie tonight, no matter what the timing is.
When you finally replied, my clouds of hope suddenly turned to rain.
You didn't said you would check perhaps. You declinded me directly telling me that you would be at your grandma's place.

I understand that, you know? I was immensely disappointed though that is not a valid reason at all. You would perhaps never reject me in the past. It is just a movie and it's not like you would eat your dinner till midnight.
But again, I reminded myself of my position right now. I was not angry. I can only take things as it is.
That was your first stab to me on CNY.

When I messaged you the next day @ Irene's house, despite my fatigue due to the lack of sleep, I still wanted to meet you.
Only so much later you replied me. Granted that you slept late the other night and just woke up perhaps 2 hours before twilight...But again you rejected me.
You didn't said that you would want to go out with me or simply tell me that you can't.
You said 'See how later.',as good as putting me in your KIV list which I knew you won't call me at the end of it either how.
That was your second stab to me on CNY.

Third day of CNY, when I realised what you did...I felt so sick. So fucking sick. My stomach twisted so horribly and I really wanted to throw everything out. But I was at work, what can I do? I have to do what I did best,isn't it? I have to control everything and pushed my focus back to my work.
That was your third stab to me on CNY.

Have you now got any idea how mentally and emotionally straining this is? When what's within you are already crumpling,you still have to behave like an automated machine outside, doing what you have to do?
Do you know how bad this is for me? Do you realised that if I keep doing this, I would live shorter than I'd meant to? Or if I couldn't take this or maintain the control anymore, I would really go insane? Do you know the degree of damage you are subjecting to me at all?
If you do, have I ever crossed your path so much that you are now enjoying doing this to me?

Like a rat caught on its tail, you immediately thrown up your defense. You immediately put on your shoutout at Facebook.
You know what is the ironic thing? The irony is I would still believe. I believe that maybe it wasn't what I think. I thought of the many possibilities but I know I won't be angry if you be honest with me. I really won't.

But instead of being honest, you even messaged me in a way wanting me to own up what I was told. That is very low of you and I was very sick of who you turned up to be.
You were wishing that if I told you something else, something that you are not fearing of, you would still have an exit...weren't you?
That was your fourth stab to me on CNY.

Finally 2 days after of not replying, you decided to own up. You said you couldn't stand seeing me hurt like this anymore and you finally admit what you did.
But instead of the truth, you spun me another story.
How dare you said that it was your secondary school friend whom you met on NYE,asking you to watch a movie with her, saying that it was HER who booked the tickets and her boyfriend can't make it?
The more saddening thing is you said that it was her who asked before me and EVEN AFTER I ASKED, you went online to check but MOST SOLD OUT FOR ALL SHOWS AS ONLY A FEW CINEMAS WERE OPENED?

Who the fuck are you kidding with?You think you are dealing with a 3 year old? Do you even remember that you didn't said you would check the ticketing when I asked you for a movie. You said NO AND YOU WONT BE FREE!

I was even more upset that you spun a tale about it was the girl whom you watched the movie with already booked the tickets!

I am not unreasonable. If you have told me directly that you already had a plan to watch movie with someone else, even if it is a girl...Even if I would be badly hurt, I would have understand and let way, knowing of my position right now.

I don't know why you wanna lie about this.
I hope you enjoyed the movie though. BRIDEWARS,isn't it? You think I am such a pathetic fool to buy your story?
You didn't think how badly hurt I would be to realise the truth and see you lying through your own teeth.

THAT was your fifth and very big stab to my heart.

After I exposed your lie, you didn't bothered anymore to catch up with me. Not even a sorry, not even anything.
Till I called you earlier at 12am sharp, even your 'hello' sounds so strange to me.
I called you not to scold you, not to vent all my whatever anger at you AS YOU CAN ONLY SAY THAT TO ME!
I called you cos' I thought if I hear anything at all...hear you telling me that you are sorry or no....just that you miss me, I would be happy.
But you didn't say anything after the long silence..you just said ''You can vent your anger on me."
That was what you think my purpose of calling is.

That was your sixth stab to me on CNY.

2 messages coming from you after I on my mobile again at 2.30am. I barely slept till I realised I can't sleep at all.
You think by claiming the title of 'bloody jerk' would justify the whole situation, that I would pull myself up and walked away.
Is that what you can do to make you feel better only?

Your seventh stab.

I didn't and won't count the stabs done before but crossing over the new year...this is what you did to me.
Are you happy?
Are you happy?

Tell you something, I am not. I will not be for a long period of time that I can't even tell when.
Trampling my world like this...Are you satisfied?
Is this YOUR objective of our cool down? Why didn't you tell me from the start?

How will I learn to trust anyone again...Would I even dare to trust you again?

If this makes you happy, satisfied you....I am happy to finally make you happy again.

Once I thought I was damaged, till you came over. You promised to build me a world to protect me, to heal me back to happiness. So I admit it was my fault for failing to treasure this world.
But before I even leave, you already turned that world into hell for me.

........Why................

Why must you lied?

2009-01-31T09:23:00.000+08:00

Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied? Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?Why must you lied?

Coming dates for February

2009-01-30T21:53:00.007+08:00

5th February 2009

Zoo Day with Ming.

I have the initial thoughts to bail outta it,discovering how much 'disgust' I had for him.
But honestly that 'disgust' is none of my business. He is still a good friend and I have no intentions to break a already promised outing, noted that he is looking forward to it.
But still, that would not erase the ultimate disgust I had for him for other areas. Fuck!

If you are curious to see how he looks like, this is him.
At least I don't hide, I don't lie. Unlike somethings I found out.

With this, you can now put a face to the name.

I've learnt not to trust non-platonic guy friends.
Love? Fuck off.
Leave you to know the damage you have left behind. I will never be the same anymore.
Thank you very much.

7th February 2009
Von's hen night parrrtttay~~~^^

It's gonna be a huge group of 14 or 15 girls. I've never ever attended any hen party in my whole 25 years and I sure hope this is gonna be a good one!
But of cos' till then, I would be crossing my fingers and doing my prayers for my emo-sis. Hope things will go smoothly.

14th February 2009
~~Valentine's Day~~Von's ROM

At least this should keep me from feeling the sting of Cupid's arrow being pulled off from my flesh. Of cos' I doubt it would be a full numb but the busy-ness should be able to keep my mind from running wild and tears from dripping.

22nd February 2009
Breakfast date

Reen, Yan and Von have a breakfast date with their ex-colleague cum friend - Zann. I supposed I am still being invited ba. (hehehe)
I seldom have a breakfast date with friends too, not on Sundays especially. The last breakfast date was..wait, does that KL trip morning breakfast count? Haha.
Hmmm~~It would be nice to have English breakfast.
This is gonna be a healthy Sunday for moi.

I guess this is tentatively more or less about it.
I know I lead a boring life and it would be more or less so, till I snapped outta it.

Von was asking how am I via email today. After typing a whole long chunk of what happened, she told me she cried after reading. I almost cried myself in the office but I forced them all back.

Swallowing tears, such a hard thing to do.
Why must you do this to me always.

2009-01-29T21:28:00.002+08:00

It is only on my way home that I start to think.

That same old path I walked everyday was the same old path where you last held my hand.

I miss you so much.

I thought of the many things we wanted to do or could have do together.

But it is too when I think, I can't help to rem' the things you can never give me all these years -- Your time & your prescence made felt.

So many times you are so distant from me, from my heart.

When I didn't see you, I would never know where you are, what you are doing.

I was greatly disappointed to hear what I heard. Wasn't I the one who asked you first? How come it is still not me?

Things that I couldn't come to terms with, I have to now.

Good night.

2009-01-29T13:43:00.003+08:00

Lunch time again and I really shouldn't have ordered rice.
Despite I've wasted bulk of the rice, I still feel so full like stomach's gonna explode anytime.

Work is so boring. Life is so monotonous.
I know people are having fun this season, feeling love but I just don't feel like participating.
I feel so dead and at times I do not feel like even trying to participate in the daily conversations.
But I know I have to,anyhow.

I hate feeling and behaving like a depressionalist but sometimes it seems to be the next best thing to do, acting normal & 'monotone' so that I won't cry.

This time round, I feel really dead somehow.
I am not taking any more chance to listen to anything. Whatever for? I hate experiencing this kinda feeling over and over again.

"Lucky that I'm in love with my best friend. Lucky to have been where I've been."

Looks like the luck proves me wrong anyhow or it just runs out.

If disappointment can kills, I'm murdered tonight again

2009-01-28T21:17:00.002+08:00

This would be the last of such issues I would be talking about.
I know mainly that I have no such rights and/or standings to make any comments so this time round, I'm keeping my damn mouth shut.

If only you realised what it is that I wanted, I am looking for, hoping for all these time, I wouldn't have go the way I did that evening.
The disappointments built over time is enough and now that I gave up the right to be so, I shouldn't said too much.

"What does it matter what I think?"

It's true. What does it matter to you? Not HOW but WHAT.

I tried my best to be as objective and fair to the whole situation as well as to both of us. But there is only so much I can try to do so when I always can never hear from you. There is only so much I can rely on my guesses, my already shaken faith.

You are not here.
Not here when I wanted you to.
Not here when I cried.
Not here to answer my insecurities.
Not here anymore.

You know the feeling of when you try your best wanting to believe in something again, wanting to grasp something dear to heart...but all you get is your insecurites again and then your tears flood your beliefs again.
Not just once but over and over again?

You tell me how many times can one's heart goes through disappointment over and over again before it's dead?

Thanks to everything, I now find myself too scare to believe in anything again.

Tonight is over.
If disappointment can kills, I'm murdered tonight again.

Ice cream team 2009

2009-01-28T21:05:00.003+08:00

As promised, these are some of the pictures of my CNY ice cream team.
3 cousins and 1 nephew.
The cashier @ 7-Eleven asked,"You not scared meh?" and shook her head lightly at 4 hyperactive kids.
I returned with a smile and said,"Once a year."

Why would I be scare?I only meet them a pathetic once a year.
They made me wish I have more cousins around my age then.

They were so excited taking turns with my Pixon and am I glad that my Pixon didn't 'died' under the hands of 2 six years old and 2 eight years old.

More pictures found @ Facebook.

Kids....Will always be kids.

2009-01-28T11:34:00.003+08:00

Guess who someone told me he/she saw on the first day of CNY @ Jurong point?
My stomach twisted in horrible shock and everything bad.
I had the instantaneous urge to vomit.

Have I been a fool to be sorry?

Fuck you!

2009-01-27T00:10:00.002+08:00

I wonder if I am reading too much into yesterday's actions?
Maybe I ought to get the fact that I am no longer his priority in my head.
I don't know what am I hoping for after seeing each small light up. Now that I forfeited the right to be disappointed, I guess I shouldn't have too many comments.

I just do not know how much more can I keep losing to stop believing.

Anyway had a ultra tiring night! My eyes are shutting now. Gotta sleep before I can't wake up on time to visit Irene tomorrow.

Picture of my fav ice-cream team next post.

This isn't the first time, won't be the last time - 911

2009-01-26T13:19:00.002+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year!!!
Hope all of you have a great time visiting, eating, laughing and very importantly accepting ang pows! (With the exception of Irene whose job now is to GIVE ang pows.)

So last night Jason whizzed me off to watch 'Changeling' @ GWC.
I really should have watch a lighter show instead. Not that the story or the acting is bad but it is a little draggy.
Angelina Jolie did a good job with her very emotional acting skills but seriously, that doesn't seem like a pretty good thing with CNY. It doesn't rub in me,not in late hours especially.
True story,though.
Denial for hope. Hope for living. Guess sometimes life has to work this way.

So it was weird alright. I started talking but wished I hadn't. Cos' the moment I opened my mouth, I almost wanna start a verbal fight in the car. He kept quiet and I bit my tongue in regret.

We watched the movie in a few words. Almost wanna slump over to his arms but restrained so. Didn't talk much on the way back.
All is well till he gave me a light friendly hug at my door steps.
Funny that I wasn't feeling sad but somehow, that light hug squeezed my tears out and I started crying again.
Sigh. - Roll eyes -

But it's all good. At least I know I still care.
I miss Jason so much. I so wish that he could make it right for me this time round. But I am afraid with too much haste, it might still end up the same for me again.

Oh the other hand, I am completely disgusted with someone else. COMPLETELY DISGUSTED!
Period.

Can't wait to see the little cousins (maternal) tonight.

Contradicting.

2009-01-25T16:28:00.003+08:00

Peikang (Kor) thought I am a very contradicting individual.
I always thought I am something and not at the same time. Like I say, I am everything good and not,all at the same time.
But to come off as someone as 'contradicting' is the first. I thought I was a weird mix but ok, that is the same as contradicting.

Despite my previous hate rants about Jason, I still agreed to go out for a late night movie with him. Only this time round, I didn't tell my parents it is him I would be going out with.
I don't want to confuse the whole issue any further for them. It was only yesterday that I confirmed for my mum that we broke up.

Jason asked in a way that I can't bear to reject or more like I do not feel anything wrong to go ahead.

I realised that with every time I got angry and I vented this out, the more detached I am from this ex-relationship.
At a point of time, it felt like after going through all these emotional messes, I do not wish to go through any of it anymore till I see someone worthy of it.
I do not want this relationship to back-track but of cos' I do not mean it as Jason & I would stop seeing each other. That is not the whole purpose of us breaking up in the first place.

I guess this is weird. Later, by meeting him, sitting besides him in the car & theater, it is no doubt gonna be awkward.

I tell myself that this is just a shot. Take it as I am single now and I am free to see anyone. Not necessarily date but just like going out casually. Of cos' there would be some friends who are off limits so guy-friends, please do not fret when I go out with you.
I won't paw on you. Hahaha.

Next time round, I get attached again. Be it Jason or whoever, I am gonna make sure this person is worthy and what I want.
Of cos' it isnt what I want only, also what he wants.

No more time wasting business.
25 years old is gonna be a change for me!

Best friend. - For Zhiwei, my Bes-friend.

2009-01-25T15:13:00.004+08:00

I just bought 'New Moon' yesterday. Over 550plus pages(I exclude the starting few pages which I've read in 'Twilight' already, the Thank Yous and the few blank pages), I finished the whole book in less than a day time.
A day, I counted it as a sum of 24 hours and I think I used only like 5 plus 6 hours to finsh the whole story.
That's it, I can tossed 'New Moon' aside and wonder what to do next.
Well...To re-read is an option, I guess.
But I am so free now that I go around commenting on Facebook,making my prescence known.
I really wonder should I add my chinese secondary school teacher? He still looks so handsome to me! I figure..not. Sigh.

It must be 'Where Rainbows End' & the endearing friendship that Jacob and Bella shared(Though the clearly blurring of lines reminds me of something else altogether), I wondered how it is like to really have a male best friend.

I have nice guy friends but considering the level of best friend, I thought that the the years of knowing each other must be in the count as well.

My longest guy friend is Bes. Zhiwei actually but I like calling him 'Bes'. That was what I called him since day 1.
Since like freaking Secondary 1? I badly wish I had kept the emails we used to exchange.

Ming thought we could be great friends in life but no, his level was no where near to Bes. Ming is not as platonic as Bes' friendship to me.
And as close or nice as any other guy friends' is/are to me, I doubt any would ever come as close to what me and Bes share.

After reading 'Where Rainbows End', I can only relate to Bes for such kinda friendship.
Well even in the story, they did ended up together when they are like 50 years old?Hell! But that's fiction for you - a figment of an author's imagination & creativity.

I guess the reason that makes our friendship so easily platonic is we never ever met nor exchange a verbal conversation now.
10 over years, we rely mainly on sms-es.

Thinking of it, I didn't even keep the sms-es as constant as how best friends should. That I feel guilty for now easily proclaiming that highly honourable status just with a few words.

After reading 'Where Rainbow Ends', I am inspired to really work hard at this Best Friend status with Bes. I won't call him or suddenly spring a surprise meet up, I think he would have a panic attack.
I would work hard on keeping the sms business or whichever virtual contact constant.

With my Single rocking high status, I guess this is easier to work at than anything else. Not that when I was previously attached, it was any harder.
But I think I would feel even more liberated.

Anyway~what a blah blah de blah entry.

Ong Zhi Wei,

Happy 25th Birthday.

(You may read this or you may not)

You will be my Bes-Friend always!

Best wishes to you as always.

Love,

Ling

Almost toppled over

2009-01-24T19:06:00.004+08:00

Ok, I have to announce this. It is absolutely CRAZY trying to be friendly and stay objectively rationale, cool,calm & collected maintain the almost non-existence friendship or whatever fuck it is ex-relationship with Jason.
If I can, I would ring him the very minute I am typing this now, to ROAR him down.
I have to HATE this guy to keep my emotion balance.

Yes,I was the one who initiated the 'cooling off' but since when this cooling off is NOW a break up?
Yes, I am the one who "christened" this as BREAK UP cos' it fucking feels like one!

Tell me WHY on earth should I carry on staying with a guy who can't keep up with me? By keeping up, I meant maintaining my basic emotion/security balance.
I am hell of a very insecure gal inside and all I need is someone who blah blah de blah. (Now I know you are sick of reading it so I am not typing it anymore.)

Good old Saturday again and I am having a date with Java Chip Frappucino @ Starbucks,Orchard Parade Hotel this time round.
I am beginning to be sick of all these frappucinos. They are now tasting all the same in my tongue and I don't fancy latte. Whatever skinny latte is. Hell!

I am once again fighting the urge to call Jason. Why can't he call me? I figured that he didn't want to. Just because he claims he is not a phone person,I think he might as well learn NOT to talk at all.
Which is something he is doing now. NOT talking to me at all!

Please Jason, do me a favour. Might as well don't try to keep up with me with your once in a while 'Hope the day is going fine for you.' this kinda half bucket shites!
Your ethics of 'NEVER HERE FOR ME ENOUGH' are killing me and I hope to kill you all the same. I really feel like coming over and slap you with a BOILING cup of coffee this time round. Don't even try me!

I don't even know why the fuck do I bother to comment at his Facebook. Hands tangled with all the guitar strings? I hope they make your fingers, all ten of them bleed and you end up losing too much blood and need to call the blood bank for help!
I am REALLY pissed when he replied back that 'with a new guitar, he would strum better'. THAT IS THE FUCKING GUITAR I WENT TO BUY ON A SUNDAY WITH MY BROTHER,LOOKING AND BEHAVING LIKE A NOOB(of cos' I am one) FOR HIS CHRISTMAS!
It made me boils just thinking he has all the time on his Saturday playing that guitar, uploading his former LOVE days with soccer(AND THAT WAS ALL THE SHITES I PUT UP WITH!) on Facebook.
I don't know what the fuck he is doing now but a good chance would be either working or spend with his mum and aunties on some west side of Singapore.

SURE, anything but to even bother try talking to me!

Even if technically it is NOT his responsibility to do so anymore but it just makes me mad thinking he never did better in the past either, and now it is even better for him cos' he doesn't really have to think how I would feel.
I know that by saying all these I am just being jealous, bitter, judgemental and whatever.
Can you please leave me some space cos' I don't wanna play Samaritan by trying to be fair and think how Jason would feel.

Who would think how I feel huh?!

How do I feel when my colleague asks me about the movies cos' I was one who watched almost every movie faster than anyone.

How do I feel when I am now stuck roaming around, drinking at Starbucks trying to pass off as a independent lady who is comfortable with herself.....When a part of her really wanna go off and strangles her ex-boyfriend the very minute!

How do I feel when my dad asks if Jason has called? No Dad, HE NEVER CALLS! PERIOD!

How do I feel when my mum keeps ranting that why do we break after so long and assumes (I know she assumes this) that it must be me who has the bad temper and chase away such a good guy.

How do I feel when supposedly when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, I was left with the impression that I was stupid to let go and NOW he doesn't do anything about it either?

No,I don't need your explanations! I can only tell you that the longer we are apart and with all these feelings I am feeling now, I think the beautiful notion of us returning back to each other's arms on June 21st is just like what a 5 year old thinks that all couple live happily ever after.
Beautiful, innocent and STUPID!

I've got a premonition. I can see that the very minute I see Jason once more, I would break into big tears again. Which is gonna be soon perhaps cos' I bought his cousin - Charmaine, her b'day gift already.
What is her?8 years old now? I was there when she celebrated her 5th,6th and 7th! I could have been there when she celebrated her 4th but for a reason, I wasn't.
Now I can't be there for her 8th and I doubt now that I would be there for any of the forecoming.

Now I have all the way to keep this anger and injustice I feel beneath me so I would not throw the present right across his face when I see him and/or won't cry.

And I am now keeping my fingers crossed that 5th Feb would just work up anyhow and this time round,if it happens...I won't mince my words nor pictures. It's high time you all see who I am going out with.
No, I am NOT going out with anyone now nor in the near future. I meant that literally, like going-out.

All these dating shites can jolly well fuck off till I find someone who is worthy. God bless!

-----------
Ok, I feel more balanced after ranting all that out. Although I wasn't shouting but typing all these just have the same effect on me.

If you'd realised, the reason I am so angry is because I care but don't even try me. I am all ready to slap a boiling cup of coffee on you anytime!

F-off!

Love YOURSELF, pamper YOURSELF, think for YOURSELF. Ask yourself what is it that you want, the best for YOU, then you'll not regret hugs - Jules

2009-01-23T22:02:00.006+08:00

I love keeping email conversations with my friends. I often email them to my personal email,knowing one day when I'm old and bored, I'd smile when I read them. Providing Gmail/Yahoo don't die on me when I'm old and bored.

I am simply not hiding my current status to anyone I know.Old or new friends, colleagues or ex-colleagues, family or strangers. I don't explain them but if you ask me, I would be honest with you.

I am a rocking 25 year old single Cancerian, sitting infront of my Vaio whom I bought it with my ex-boyfriend typing away AND dreading Saturday and the many Saturdays, of cos' the coming CNY too.

Sounds bitter? Whatever. But part of me never regrets anything at all. I can't even find the strength to be angry with anyone.

Sure, I am still sad and a funny sting of pain hits me everytime whenever I hear Jason Mraz's on Class 95fm(Which I think they did it on purpose on playing it at least TWICE a day. Fuck, I am still playing it on my Wmp), and when my dad asks about him.

Should I just do a tatoo on my forehead or jawline,since my fringe covers my forehead that we broke up?
I think this would be much better than explaning to where is my ex-boyfriend and why is he not here on CNY to my relatives.

For the past 4 CNY, my first and second day of which were all spent at his family's side with him playing with the cousins (all big and small) and without having a clue that I do not like sitting on the sofa pretending to be so interested with that damn tv show each year.

For a record, I kinda feel relieved that I do not have to do it this year. Of cos' realistically speaking, the drastic drop of my ang pows' is not very reliefing.

I know I sound awfully bitter writing all these but you are not me. You are not sitting on your sore ass experiencing the joy of singlehood after a long 5.5 year long relationship. Oh fuck, now all the time in the world?!
You are most likely happily indulging in the pineapple tarts, the bak-kwas, the whatever and whatever.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you who read this, knows I love you all the same.

The reason why I am writing like this is probably because I am in the midst of reading. I often get inspired to write a little weird when I am reading something I like.

I am starting to really like Cecilia Ahern's novels. I didn't even started with 'Ps.I love you'.
I started with 'If you could see me now'. I happened to read that the movie is targetting to hit the screen on 2011 and I don't care by then I would be watching alone if I have to cos' I WILL WATCH.
I love IVAN from ekam eveileb!!(Figure that yourself ;) )

At least Cecilia Ahern's novels are never that sad. I am getting tired of reading almost every couple gets separated by death in Nicholas Sparks' novels(Though it didn't happened in 'The Lucky One' but I almost thought it did). And I can't seem to find the rest of the Twilight books...Just as well, save me the penny.

Actually I think I can finish the tonight (and I just bought it last evening!!Fuck!) but that would left me with nothing to read tomorrow!
SIGH!

This is some bad digress but it frees me some space to think if I should blog about how disappointed I am with the break up decision.

I think I should, after all this is my godamn blog.

I clearly remember that night. What an amiable break up! To think I would live by a day to see my dear ex-boyfriend freeing himself away from work.
No, actually not that I would expect that. To separate him from indulging with his now 7 days worth of 2 jobs is like asking a fish to cycle on land.
As simple as that, I presume.

No. I do not have a problem with that. Not now especially.

I am just feeling dead disappointed. Despite I have nothing to ask for now, no right to ask for anything right now but whatever happened to the 'hopes' we had on that break up night?

Maybe I am being far too anxious cos' it has only been a mild 2 weeks. AND I know that Jason wasn't having it easy too. At least I know that was how he was feeling a week back? This week, no idea at all. I know, none of my beewax. Right.

Disruption*
Jason texted me. He said the weekend is here, spend more time with my family and take care of myself.
I know he still care but that doesn't covers the disappointment I had on Wednesday and maybe today.

He texted me on Wednesday, just a casual drop by mid-week greeting. It is not the kinda message that asks for my elaboration on my day, how am I doing etc. But I told him anyway cos' for some reasons, I was pretty stressed up @ work on Wednesday.
He kindly encouraged me but I kinda kept whining. At my 3rd whiny message, he did not reply anymore.

Rationally and soberly I know that he doesn't have to. Technically it is NOT his responsibility anymore.
Emotionally I am quite 'dead' on the fact that he must have got busy with his work again(even it's lunch time) and he didn't have the time to reply. AND he DIDN'T reply nor follow up till the earlier message I just gotten.

This is my typical ex-boyfriend for you. That is one of what that attributed to our break up.
He has conveniently learned not to contact me when he is at work.

As much as he loves/loved me, he can never express his concerns enough or making his prescence felt. And then he was partly blaming me that I think he never loves me enough when I thought these are somewhat mutually exclusive issues!

You know what a guy would do for me or what I would love a guy to do for me?
Please, at least call me!Hear me rant for a minute or five. Encourage me and not drop the bill just like that!
If I were to go on romantically, a Romeo would have send me an E-card to brighten my day and tells me how much he loves me still or surprise me by picking me after work with or without a sweet small gift. All that just in the name of cheering me on.
Of cos' this is no fairy tale so I would be just happy enough with the call or at least, messages to follow up! I really don't see how fucking difficult that can be as compare to your stressful work?!

That is what I can't drilled in Jason's head all these years, which seems to be just occupied with work,work,work and soccer AND soccer AND fucking more soccer but less of it when he quits the club, and thinking how much he loves me without actually communicating or making the fucking effort to.

I don't get this when I was his girlfriend and now that I isn't, I know I have no right to ask for it anyway. BUT that doesn't stop me from feeling the way that I do, does it?

You can say this is not fair. Yes,it isn't cos' this is MY fucking blog! Get used to it!
I don't know why am I so pissed now. Guess it is just something that built over the days.

Today is the 23rd and 23rd of every month used to be a day we would have dinner together, occassionally buying gifts for each other (more of my doings than his). As every 23rd came, the recents, I'd noticed had become literally meaningless.
We were either not meeting that day, quarrelled or simply no more 'Happy XXth + 1 month~"(And he used to do that...till it was lost.)

I do not expect him to wish me any 'Happy whatthefucktodayis month' but I am fighting all the urge today to call him.
I wanted to talk to him,wishing we could carry a decent heart to heart chat. I wish to meet him if possible. But no, I know I can't be doing all that when it seems very well he is NOT going to propose any of that on his own anyway.

I would not put words in his mouth nor paint a Jason-is-happy-now picture cos' a chance that he is not and probably thinking that he should now leave me alone.
It's bad enough but no matter what it is, I trust Jason has got his work to keep his life keep spinning at the rate he likes it to be.

I think I am just disappointed that the way I want and just want something I don't think is difficult at all, can't be acheived from the man who loves me so much?
Could this love never be meant to be anyhow?

What basis did I use it to be compared to? Another one who is seemly not meant to be but just doing the right things at the right time. Though still not meant to be.

Tomorrow's the dreaded Saturday again. I do not know what to do at all. My mind did scan through a few locations and God knows I would end up at Central, Starbucks drinking Java Chip Frappucino again?
I don't think I would cry tomorrow but let's keep our fingers crossed at that.

If by any chance that I should risk trying to make this entry a little brighter, I am annoucing I have a "Zoo-Day" date on 5th Feb.
Particially it sucks to go there again when I was there with 3 other person just in late 2007. But funnily, a part of me like a teenage school gal can't wait. ;)

If this is what you want, a chance to date. Here I am,proving my life is worth every day of the calender.

Happy Chinese New Year,friends.

Gonna spoil it for you (or just SW) with my face signing off. Hahahahaha.

Ps: I want you to know that I am not angry with you cos' I am no one to be that now. That doesn't mean I would be happy to reply your message tonight.

Ps:Sorry for yet another vulgar entry. Get used to it.

Not for Shaowei

2009-01-20T21:39:00.003+08:00

Shaowei said that he will scroll very fast whenever he saw pictures of yours truely in my blog.

Fortunately or not, this entry is all about my face (later).

So Mr Tang, you have the consent to skip this entry altogether.

Hahahahaaha.

I was reading Cleo during the weekend and they have 2 pages advertising for Lucido-L curl hair lotion and wax. The 'problem' with that advertisement is their models aren't equipped with long locks already. They are just chin length hair japanese models!

It is every girl's dream to have perm hair at least once in their lifetime. Maybe not every girl but I assume a safe percentage of 70?

For my pathetic hair length, I wouldn't dream of it getting perm and actually, I really couldn't imagined me with perm hair.

I was at Sengkang with mum and bro last Sunday evening and my spontaneity hits me again.

I bought the electronic hair curler and today, I bought the Lucido-L curl hair lotion today.

When I reached home,(totally fagged)I still managed to find the energy to toy with my hair. I gingerly took out the curler and waited it to light up. I have no idea how this thing works and totally no idea how to do it.

Given the fact that I have 2 left hands, this isn't the most ideal stuff for me to play with.

I had already imagined me wasting the money before I roll my hair.

The result after playing with it? I kinda scalded my neck and my finger with the heated tongs and the curls are HORRIBLE!

Totally 'chiu' looking curls and I wonder would I ever have the patience to try making it right?

I would only show 2 pictures of which (But I didn't take many though). I have to clip up my fringe to make it look nicer?

Please tell me it is NOT auntie looking!!

I know you can't see the curls probably but just as well, those are not exactly curls I wanna show also.

Can anyone guide me on this curler thing and make me beautiful?

Sunday and things are gone

2009-01-18T12:56:00.009+08:00

I don't mop all day. Yes, I cried. I wrote pretty emo stuff but which person writes happy stuff when they just walked outta a long,serious relationship? Teach me that.
But I still consider myself a pretty strong girl. I cried for a while but after I stop crying, I'm ok.

Though it feels kinda lonely and I wish someone else would really come and shield me, but I figure no one would wanna take up that dirty job. Lolx.

Before I left home last night, I told my dad that I would go market with him this morning. Honestly that wasn't exactly from the heart. I just wanna ease some guilt for being so horrible daughter who kept things to herself all the time.

I slept pretty late last night. Sleeping is a little difficult nowadays and I kept waking up in between feeling really restless, thinking why haven't the day comes.
Of cos' when it came, I felt a little sluggish.

I had my alarm set at 7.30am and fell back to sleep after it rang. My dad woke me up @ 8.10am and I had a good mind to continue sleeping, telling him I'm very tired.
"A promise is a promise." This thought came to mind and I woke up a minute after.

I heartx clear blue skies with just the right amount of clouds. It's sunny alright but the strong Spring wind is making everything just right.

I used to hate going to wet market. When I was young, I hated being dragged outta bed on Sunday mornings when the sun was blazing and I'm so sleepy.
I hated the crowd, the wet pavement, the fishy raw smell and the distance to and fro.
Of cos' I wasn't that grouchy everytime I went with mum but the last I can remember now is, I hated it.

Needless to say, I never went to wetmarket anymore eversince I'd grown.
Nowadays it is only my dad who went every Sunday morning. I'm used to my late waking on Sunday and the usual routine, and I hate to admit that I am really taking all these efforts for granted.

Welcome to Serangoon Market. It amazed me thinking how long it has been there actually.

Oddly I wasn't half as tired waking so early on a Sunday. (I attributed that to the Java Chip Frappucino I drank last night.)
It's good to step outta house without caring how I look. Of cos' I didn't think I look like a wreck altogether.

The wet market scence did not put me off. The smell wasn't half as bad as before. The crowd was ok. I went there feeling like stumbling something so new yet so old. Refreshing.

Away from the wetmarket, some CNY stuff outside Shop & Save.

Von & I shocked ourselves when we realised it is the CNY next week. It definitely feels weird. I didn't see, feel or even smell the approach of CNY and now it is here?!
Didn't even went to the Taka atrium like I used to...But well, there's no need for that anyhow...now.

After the usual housechores, I started to clear my room.
It dawned to me that the 4 bouquets have been there on my window panels for very long. All the flowers are gone now, nothing but dust collectors now.
Mum asked me to throw away before cos' she thinks it is not healthy leaving the bouquets there, trapping dust and flying around my room.
I didn't want to throw them away cos' it doesn't feel right.

But I did...Today.

I figured that next week in the CNY so I wanted to clear some stuff. I looked at those bouquets for a long time before taking them down.
Take it from me...Even those flowers were long gone and dead, they are nothing but a bunch of brown dried stuff now...It still takes some form of courage to throw them away.

This is the 1000th day anniversary bouquet. Although I think it is actually not very pretty (overall) but the 1000th day one touched me most.
I didn't think most guys would remember such trival details.
Well...It worked for some parts and some not.

This should be the 1500th day bouquet. I love the presentation of this one. Simple, pink and nice. My heart kinda aches when I have to throw this away. I can't be keeping one only. Somethings you have to clear it and keep the record clean. (Whatever I am talking about.)

I love this one. It's small and handy, and very beautiful. There used to be a small florist shop at the open space outside MPH, Raffles City Basement.
I was commenting that was a very nice bouquet and wanted Jason to buy for me. I know it was just a spur of the moment thing but I was hoping Jason would just buy it for me.
I went to the ladies and he presented me the bouquet when I came out.
I remembered him telling me do not expect this to happen everytime cos' that is not a magic toilet. That's a joke between us.
Well...It's gone too.

This last bouquet which I received from him was the heaviest, the most colourful and I think the most beautiful of all. It was for our 5th year anniversary.

I really like this one but it was too damn heavy. I still remembered Jason told me he had it customised to be 17 stalks of roses for a purpose and I still doubt that. Customise? T.T

I only kept one pine corn like stalk for the sake of rememberance.

It isn't easy trashing them away like that. It felt like pieces of me was being badly trashed too when I threw them in the rubbish chute.

But somethings...have to be done right?

My windows now look a lot brighter and empty.

I can't cry everyday. I still have to go work, eat and shite. I only have alot more time than the past now and I guess I have to figure a way to use them.

This is totally like exploring a new 'me' altogether. Part of this feels exciting in a good way.

But it isn't easy. I foresee there will still be days I cry, I feel stupid and silly, I am angry and unjustified etc.

I guess...this is part and parcel.

请不要分了以後还记得亲吻过的承诺. 你的永久已不属於我 - 萧敬腾

2009-01-18T00:09:00.002+08:00

I never felt more alone.
I was already crying while walking back home from the train station.
So many scenes flashed by my mind and I suddenly start crying, really crying in the middle of the blocks. I forced my legs to walk back but once I was about to reach my doorsteps, I just couldn't walk anymore.
It was pathetic. I broke down to tears and sat at the corridor stairs, almost wailing.
I don't think I have cried like this in public. No doubt I was alone that time but crying in public is kinda pathetic for me.

I was at Central,Starbucks trying to write, trying to read.
Ashvin called me to drop his concerns.
"I was there when both of you got together."
Despite my usual replies of telling people I am doing fine (Which is true), when he said,"You guys have been together for 5 years, it must have mean something to you."
I managed to reply, "It is..." after few seconds of slience, only to start tearing after I hung the call.

I teared at Starbucks. I teared sitting by the river. I cried at the middle of the house blocks. I cried at my house staircase.
Fuck! It's so annoying and no one is here. I don't think I want anyone to be there though but I don't understand...

Before I head out, my mum asked where am I going and who I am going out with. I do not want her to worry so I told her that I am meeting my friend instead of the truth which I would be alone.
She commented, no she WARNED that I shouldn't be 'wild' and stop my two-timing nonsense!
What the fuck was that? I was so pissed that I raised my tone and told her to stop jumping to (fucking) conclusions just because she doesn't know a thing.
I was so pissed but then again, for what for?

I have no reason to be angry with anyone at all. Though I asked for this but can anyone tell me it is not my fault? Is it?

I am getting more tired than usual.

Suddenly...instead of renewing, I don't feel like 'going back' anymore.
Because...all these...are making me too weary.

The love, the relationship, the fading of everything together with time, the setbacks, the heartbreaks, the tears...
I don't think I can redo everything with the same person anymore nor anyone new at anytime soon.

I'm going to bed.
Night.................

想切歌切掉回忆的画面-温岚

2009-01-17T18:02:00.002+08:00

So I somewhat told dad what happened between me and Jason and I guess it is understandable why he was not on my side but his.
I did not account what went wrong between us, whose fault it is but I think my parents like him more than whatever issues I am gonna bring up, it would be more of my mistake of letting go.
He thinks it is just a small quarrel and told me that he hopes to see us patching back soon.

I wish I can simplify the whole thing and tell him that we won't be back to where we were for a period of time or maybe for good.

I can't help but cried again just now. Not as bad as that 2 days. Tears are moderating and sadness is numbing.
I do not know where to go, what to do at all.
Whatever Jason is doing now, I have no idea. He seems to be doing a good job anyway,without me. At the very least, I know he has work to cover him no matter how he is feeling.

Work. This is really unfair.So fucking unfair. If I were to work backwards and think the little trigger points here and there, I didn't think it is my fault.
The holes Jason left along the years are too damaging and then with some appearances of some people who shouldn't be there aggravated the whole thing.
And then I stop believing, starts rejecting. This is REPERCUSSION!

Anyway he is doing a good job in distancing himself now. I am left with nothing,seriously.
I won't be any happier if I didn't make the decision but now I am left with nothing either.
So fucking unfair.

Think after dinner, I would just drag my body out and get a cuppa.
I hope Starbucks has seats..good seats.

虽然被放弃,心碎人孤寂...虽然我愿意 - 伍家辉

2009-01-17T00:40:00.005+08:00

Friends have been asking am I ok, asking me to be strong, telling me that they love me.
I am touched and would die in gratitude.

Honestly I am ok. 真的，我没事。

I mourned for the 2 days and third day once I am back to work, I think I am ok. I laughed like I should and I feel like it at work.
Work wise has been so-so, better than the down days.

I keep thinking...Is this real?Is Jason leaving me for good?Is this break up or cool down?
With the normalcy of life, I felt this is quite manageable.
Jason is not the sort that would contact me often anyhow on normal days and I am not the sort that would mop by the days pathetically...Not yet.

I wonder is this good? Would we really be able to get back? Would we resume contact soon? Would he realise that his life is surely better without me but then again, I am just but a day outta his seven in a week? Would it makes a difference for him or would he realise that eventually there is not much of a major difference.

I don't know, I really don't. The places we have been to are almost everywhere and they are all so new in the memory. Just a walk to Marina Sq - Suntec - home flashes so many, just so many times that Jason & I...were there.

Is this just memories that I am afraid to let go? I guess a major part.

The odd thing is I do not feel like crying now. I think I have exhausted my tear ducts on that 2 days and now...I don't know.

Everything is a great deal of I don't know now and seriously, I don't know how Jason is doing.
I can't help but to message him last night at 11pm last night,reminding him to take care and not just bury himself to work.

On past circumstances, he would not reply any time sooner he received the message. If he is working, he would perhaps give me a reply only after he ends his work.
I would be waiting. Waiting for his reply, wishing for more warmth in it, anticipating the arrival of tomorrow cos' we would be meeting.

It's a brilliant weather today and I'm not working. It's a day I would hate to waste it sleeping.
Jason's message woke me up at 9.30am.
His reply came so late, arrived so cold.

I guess not just disappointment washes me down. It was also a feeling of 'giving up' or maybe 'given up'.

Disappointed that his message came only so late. That is the usual disappointment that I always got when I was with him. He is not the sort that would perhaps like SW, fingering his mobile like it is stuck to his hand once his beau messages. (Lolx)
He would only reply when he is settled with his work but NOT immediately. Only like when he is done parting with his friends etc then replied.
Maybe that is just my judgement but there is no more warmth in his messages as years went by.

Given up/Giving up...Is the message, the way he replied now. Whether he did it on intention or just the way he wanna reply me, it just spelt the feeling across.

Is it the case we just say goodbye for good?
Somethings in life...The moment you said goodbye, the line would be drawn there and you'd realised there's hardly any chance of return.

Instead of everything that night, this is the eventual feeling I get or is this just the beginning?
Beginning of a long route.

You and I both loved...- Jason Mraz

2009-01-14T20:49:00.002+08:00

You know,Jason?It really doesnt matter if we were eating at any restaurants OR just the coffee house at FAr East.It really doesnt matter if we were eating ice creams that is like $3.50 per scoop or from Swesens,OR we are just buying from the 'Potong' uncle.
It really doesnt matter we are able to take cabs or drive in our own car,OR we are walking by feet or taking bus.

Coz every minute with you is just too precious and o'so sweet..so I dun care whether we can afford a big time with the measures of money.
The time spend with you is rich enough. Love ya,dear.
---Sunday, July 18, 2004

very tiring and its so sad for me coz im like,missing Jason every now and then.how i wish the next day i could sleep late and then get ready for a date with him.
sigh...i really miss him,even though its only like one hour ago we part.

we had dinner after work,and i appreciate him for e efforts. we could have both GONE home.(lol)

i wish i have the strength to hug him and linger a lil more with him.

after dinner,i wanted to go home immediately when he whined to me that he wanted to visit the aquarium shop. he loves fishes...duh..boring pets. haha..how cute when he whines to me..so adorable,that i cant help but give in.
---Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Jason was waiting at the voideck after my tuition,and yes..i was still kinda mad over his msges.so my first greeting was,"so free ah?"

i knew that is very rude,and i almost wanna punch myself when he gave me those very upset puppy eyes. *control*

he asked me in a very pleading yet amusing tone not to scold him anymore,coz he got scolded by his mum and coach earlier in e day. aww..my poor baby..i wanted to really hug him dear,but my pride got the better of me.
---Tuesday, July 06, 2004

look..you may be saving money for my coming bday,but im telling you i DUN GIVE A DAMN about any presents or what...eating restaurants.

i can jolly well eat at a normal coffee-joint,and even fork my own money for the movie.I DUN WANT ANYTHING BUT JUST A LITTLE TIME WITH YOU!

seriously to all those boyfriends who are so committed to their work with the thought of wanting the BEST for their girlfriends...i really wonder if that is the real heartfelt thought,OR MAINLY A GLOSSY EXCUSE TO SATISFY YOUR OWN MEN EGOS!!

maybe some gals do care for some materials or so,but all i want is some quality time with you,not some time filled with quality things!

i have no idea but really do you know how much I HATE to just spend some lil hours with you before seeing YOU off to ur trainings.

yes..im trying my best to understand you,your committments and give space..but that doesnt give you the right NOT to understand how i feel and find ways to give in to me.
---Tuesday, July 06, 2004

jason is definitely not the guy next door..but i dunno where he stands either. so i really thinks he has got hold of some voodoo kinda spell on me.haha.
---Thursday, July 01, 2004

2009-01-14T19:15:00.002+08:00

I forced myself to take a nap earlier on. It is hard to fall to sleep despite my body is so tired.
I woke up, thinking ,"Hey~it's not that bad. I don't feel like crying anymore. But why can't I off the music from my phone? Been replaying for too long?"
It's only minutes after I really woke up and the my stinging feel of my eyes returns.
I don't know why, the moment my eyes open, they get wet again.

Saw Yin's message. Since I am at the worst now, it could only get better. =)
I hope so.

A part of me regrets this so much. I was looking at the photos we took during our Hongkong trip. Though we looked happy enough but I remembered not feeling as happy as we looked.
I look at Jason. Why haven't I start looking at him properly or when did I stop looking at him altogether?
I guess I know when though.

I briefly counted a 157 days to June 21st before I slept.
Jason told me to try to 'flush' him outta my system during this period of time. A part of me don't want this at all. I really do not want this.
I just want us to go back to where we were. I just want us to be happier like before.
When did we stop trying?When did we stop talking?What happened and why is it so?

I am not walloping in self-pity,for goodness sake. I am just trying to think.
It is not possible for me to feel nothing, carrying out what we have decided just like that.
For all I know...at the end of all this, we just can't go back at all, we can't start afresh too. That is something that I do not want now. Yet I have to stick to this.
It would be a joke to decide that this 'decision' shouldn't be carry out too.

-Sigh-
Jason had wanted me to continue blogging. He thinks I write fine and he keeps reminding me to just carry on. Write through the good and bad days and he would always be reading.
I shouldn't keep posting such tearing emotions cos' they won't be making anything easier for Jason. He knows to in order to get me moving, he has to show me that he is moving already.
Doing it for me as usual.

Gotta eat dinner. I have to keep life going as usual.

Why on earth do I feel like the female lead in Ps.I Love You. ? It feels like that kinda loss altogether?
Hell...

请记得你要比我幸福 - 陈晓东

2009-01-14T12:54:00.002+08:00

Sometimes it just feels so right when this guy besides u is ur friend,ur buddy,ur bf all at the same time.

Sometimes I am just afraid that when we are too comfortable with every thing,we may tend to take things and each other for granted.And that is when friction occurs and even worser scenarios..

Sometimes I am afraid that my overly anticipation or obession with the future may becomes a burden to you,puts you off..or worse becomes our bummer in life.

But no matter how...I guess you will always fit into Shania Twain's "Still the one" ---
--Sunday, November 28, 2004

he night of our 16th month ends off with him helping me with the lines tml and giving a reassuring hug.
---Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Lately Jason hasn’t been msging much. I am not angry but feel somewhat a lost child scratching her head,and thinking what is wrong,where has everyone gone?
Everyone is somewhat,somehow outta touch.As if we live in different zones in this entire universe.
Am I being isolated? Or everyone is just confining themselves in their own time out zone,including myself?
----Thursday, November 18, 2004

Jason spelt this name as Michiela in his hp.I thought he spelt wrongly,but he said he prefered it this way as it sounds French.
----Wednesday, November 17, 2004

I wonder how is Von right now?I hope she is not that impulsive enough to give up Andy though partially I understand how she feels.
I wonder how is Irene…but guess she just have the upper hands anytime.A gal who NEVER has anything wrong in her entire 21 years.
I wonder how is Yin?A fine gal who is so innocent,naïve,straightforward,sweet and cute.Though that poor RQ never gets her love,but I hope she will find someone as good or better.
----Wednesday, November 17, 2004

And so..those were the past…And to my present.
He is someone who surpass any of the guys I had mentioned.
Someone very ordinary yet I find myself praising him to sky high or jump to his defenses if anyone were to ask about him.
Someone who makes me angry and yet I never remember what about the incident when we reconciled.
Someone that I keep mentioning over and over till you are sick of hearing/reading.
Someone whom is more than words.
You know who you are. Love you lots.
----Wednesday, November 17, 2004

I dunno..suddenly..Jason just become so wonderful.
Hehe..I am not too shy to say it here. Now listening to Ronan Keating "when you say nothing at all".Reminds me of my first birthday celebrated with him.
There at the beach,him struming and singing.Though the planes were a source of noise pollution.But that was one of the best-est date I ever had.Hehe.

Sigh..I miss him.
I really,now,kinda look fwd to the day when we are old enough to set up our own family.
Our home,our children..our time.
I remembered in one of his smses yonks ago,he wrote something like..asking me not to cry now..cry when he proposes,cry when he put the wedding band on my finger,cry when we have our own home,cry when we have our first child..etc.
Hee..that is so..sweet...and something that he never tells me now. I dunno what is he afraid of now..but most probably it is my fault. I faulted alot in this relationship and that perhaps made him lose the confidence of having the future dream with me.

But...I hope...One day..I would be able to help him regain that confidence.
I just msg and ask would he sing This I Promise You should one day he would propose to me? Duh... Dont blame me for being impatient..Blame my winamp that is playing that song now.
I hope my dreams doesnt put a pressure on him..But I think it does:(

Sorry... -_-
-----Sunday, October 24, 2004

Rec Jason's love letter last night and was laughing and feeling so sweet as I read it yesterday. Hehe. My first love letter~;p
----Saturday, October 23, 2004

And last night Jason wanted to come and fetch me after my tuition.But ironically I boarded the bus he alighted and we ended up missing each other.
This sounds like some drama plot huh. But still he came to my house and we chatted under the block.
That night he was my buddy.

How nice it would be to share a relationship with a guy that is not only your lover,but your guardian angel,your buddy,your anger venting machine,your grumbling venting machine,your everything.haha.
We are not just talking about the good side of relationship always.
Do I look fwd to the point of time when I can look back and realised how much this love has make us to grow?;)
----Saturday, October 23, 2004

Think i also need to clear my table.It is in a mess.
Listening to Jay Chou "Xing Qing" now.
Reminds me of Jason of coz.Sometimes I cant stand him singing every now and then.But sometimes I just miss him singing.
---Sunday, October 10, 2004

hope my dear is well. headaches go away~ he has alot to go this week.
---Monday, October 04, 2004

Sigh...still feel very sian about that thwarted call from my boo.
Sometimes..I really WISH he makes more efforts for smaller things in life.
Sometimes I wonder am I asking for too much or what.
Sometimes I wonder why am I doing the msging most of the times,saying good night..etc..makes me feels so useless.
Sometimes...I still think..being single is good.

If there is one thing I hate about Jason,there would be his soccer commitment at the WRONG time.
Here I am thinking that we ought to spend more time with each other,here I am willingly to spend 2 to 3 hours of our precious Saturday waiting for him to finish training...and there,a thwarted call!

Actually I understand that it isnt his fault,I am not angry with the person,but am really very SICK of his soccer thingy.

We dont meet every other day,infact now,we really only meet ONCE a week!
My god..how many couple get by meeting ONCE a week,for that few hours..and really like,not spending quality time together?!
----Thursday, September 16, 2004

I think...I have destroyed Jason's confidence alot.
Coz suddenly I recalled..he used to be a much confident guy thatI know,as compare to now.I know it is my fault.
But I kinda miss and need that confident Jason back with me.
It is that Jason that I see in the soccer field. That kinda smile he gave from the field when I saw,though I was sitting far, is so charming though.
---Sunday, September 12, 2004

Wish Jason msges more,but guess he is really busy.
---Friday, August 27, 2004

And Jason..Ha,need I say anything?
He really needs help in giving surprises in life,but again..he is too nice for a bf.And lucky he is mine. Muacks~
---Thursday, August 26, 2004

So I called him over.We talked..and he cried badly.
I guess I am really stronger than him coz he always cry first;p

Suddenly..he kept very quiet. Was I afraid of breakup?
I guess I am more afraid of breakup if he did it for ME.

Every words he said cuts me..not because it hurts me but makes me realises how much I hurt him. I told him very frankly how I feel and again and again,I have got his assurance.

It is always for me..he always did things for me.
That is the boy who is always there for me. Tonight..every words he said touched me.

At the ending part,we were sitting like 2 good friends..when I really have the urgency to go toilet.haha. I guess..this relationship still has alot more to learn.
---Tuesday, August 24, 2004

--------------
I kinda wanna carry on but my eyes really, really hurt.
Think I shall rest it.

那就分手吧, 再爱都无须挣扎 - 动力火车

2009-01-14T10:45:00.003+08:00

My eyes are so stingily painful and swollen now; I have never seen my double eyelids so pronounced.-muse-

It has not been easy for me as much as you may choose to say,"It's all your doings."

Indeed it is but it is not an easy one for me. If I haven't treasured enough, I wouldn't have took so long to come to this decision.

I cannot stop crying at all. The moment my eyes are open, my senses are awake, my tears come streaming down.

I don't remember anyone other than my family (whom also never get to see it nowadays) and Jason, seeing me crying. Especially not ever since I've grown up. No matter how sad I can be, my tears are never easily seen. This is not uncommon of cos but I also had not remember feeling the way I feel today.

Today...The tears seem to carry a different meaning altogether.

Dear friends...

Today onwards...Jason and I are officially not a couple anymore.

I hope I haven't been making this period of time (I know that's a hell long of a period) difficult for all of you who care.

I feel terribly sorry and thankful though...Especially to Von. Though I know of all people, she can't stand the way I handled my situation. Sorry ;p.

I really do not know how to start this, how to explain this, how to relate this.

I only know that I can't stop crying and I wonder how to reduce the swelling before my parents come home and would I go blind?

As much as I do not feel like accounting the whole thing but I guess I have to. (I figure if I don't do so here, I would be force to do it verbally which gonna suck for me.)

Ok..here goes.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

You see, other than Irene & Jimmy who are blissfully married now, Jason and I are the longest surviving couple among the group of people I know.

He was my first official boyfriend and we kinda did a good job of maintaining the way we are as a couple.

I guess our relationship breaks down cos' we couldn't get it started anymore. Not now.

I really do not have the courage to start it all over again just like that and do not have the confident not to hurt him or not feel hurt by him.

We had this decision around 1 year plus back but didn't have courage and will to execute it. Maybe it still wasn't meant to be then.

We spent a long time sitting outside Potong Pasir McDonalds, witnessing the skies changed its colours, the clouds moving freely, the chilly January wind blowing in our bones.

I tried to be angry. I pushed what I have not been getting from him, my emptiness to him. As if anger would do a better substitution for sadness, I wanna be angry.

Perhaps by pouring all these out, I would be justified.

I said alot of stuff and his 1-2 words questions seem to retaliate well enough too.

If you think by just breaking off is easy, it is not.

Jason and I are not a new couple. We were there in each other lives for the past 5 years and though 5 years is not an exact lengthy amount but it is enough, longer than most of yours.

It is neither the case that we have stop loving each other nor we have found someone else altogether.

"So why break?"

When 2 persons chose to part, it doesn't have to be the case of the above mentioned.

At this point of time, I am not confident enough to carry on.

What if I carry on but hurt him again? Would I be confident to really accept things as it is? Would I be able to brush off the empty feelings that Jason can't give me.

Our relationship has a knot or a few, would it be good to just carry on like this?

Yet it is very difficult to part like this. It is easier to part when you kinda hate that one person at that point of time. But we never hate each other.

I would just hate to see him hurt and pretending it hasn't matter for him as long as I am with him.

Instead we come to this decision. Even though I was the one who suggested it but I never think it would be so painful to do it.

I really never think so. I am very afraid but since I chose this, I must stick to it,isn't it?

I thought it was June 19th 2003 or was it 2002? that we started this relationship though officially began in June 23rd . But Jason said June 21st and June 21st it shall be.

From now till June 21st 2009, I wanted Jason to learn to have abit of time for himself, find who he was instead of just burying himself into work. I know I had taken alot from him for the past 5 years but it would be a good time to see if he would be happier eventually without me.

From now till June 21st 2009, Jason wanted me to find someone else who is worth my time, who would listen to me and I would be able to talk to, and try to open myself up, fall in love.

He had wanted me to be careful on my own as well. He has been taking care of me for the past 5 years and if I were to be on my own, I have to be careful.

He also said if I think I have found someone worthy and wanted to date, I could go ahead. I could even talk to him and let him know what kinda person that guy would be.

And if he found someone else, another girl perhaps, he would expect me to be able to do the same for him.

And till June 21st 2009, if we still have heart for each other, I guess nothing should do us part again.

If you think it is not that bad, in a way it is. But the thought is very crushing. I wanted so badly to say no to all those crazy propositions, I don't want and don't dare to find someone else and I don't want Jason to find someone else.

"So why do you still wanna do that?"

Because I really love this guy but so many things that happened, we are not as happy as we were. In a way, you can say we had lost each other to time.

I do not really think we would be happy just going back to each other's arms again.

We need time to find what was lost and find would it be better apart than together?

This is a wager. It's not a winning of 50-50 that we would be together or not by the end of it.

Either or both of us would perhaps find someone new to start with.

Either or both of us would perhaps find it better to be friends than couple at the end of it.

From now till June 21st feels like a long time. I couldn't help to feel scare of the many possibilities that would happen during this period of 6 months.

I pleaded with Jason, asking if we could still go out, would he still call/sms me?

He said we could but I know the moment today starts, I would no longer be a priority.

As much as I am afraid, I thought I could only force myself to stick to this. I don't wanna make it more difficult for Jason anymore.

Maybe it seems pretty much comical to you. Maybe you think I ask for it and in a way, I thought so too.

Either way, this seems to be fated.

Now I am only afraid of losing what I was given all along and I know I would only have myself to blame anyway.

But I want Jason to be happy. Perhaps he would be happier without me eventually and if by June 21st, we can't go back to where we are...I guess this is it.

If you happen to see me anytime soon, don't expect me to relate all this to you again. I think you would understand.

黑夜渗透了想念

偷不走微光闪现的千种画面

我背着伤痛离开

孤单拖着记忆支离破碎欣:

原以为不会改变

眼泪在脸颊上干枯失去知觉

我的心挣脱了爱

跟随着夕阳埋进了海洋

为什么相爱的人却又为爱而纷争

现实的翅膀扰乱了原本幸福的气氛

我有我的过错

我有我的疑惑

藏在面对面的折磨背后

为什么让爱躲进乌云密布的天空

随着风漂流在外一点一点的散落

慢慢远离的梦

渐渐冷却冰封

心痛都当初相遇的心动

-刘畊宏&许慧欣 - 心动心痛

2009-01-12T18:02:00.002+08:00

The curves of my lips drooped back to it's original point as soon as everyone in the office says goodbye to me.
Like a mask fallen off my face, I am back to the how I felt.
Silence surrounds me now.
Never felt better.

You said that love was just a state of mind, a puzzle made of pieces you cant find. - A1

2009-01-11T16:22:00.003+08:00

Caught in the middle?Vonx was reminded of me(and many other stuffs) as she thought of this song.
I am not sure if I am in the middle of anything.I can't even see what's on the other side of either coast.

I spent my Saturday in a dream that I've been dreaming all the time and I wish,so badly that I do not have to wake up at all.
The ending is still cruel. When the realization dawns on me, I feel really hurt.
Why is it (still) this way? What did I lack of? Why can't I have it?

Why are we still friends? - 98 degrees.

Some people are harder to be friends than strangers. They really are.

"If time can be reversed, would you still want to know me?"

No. I really won't. Despite the many laughter, many good times I was given, I really doubt I would wanna know you all over again. It hurts too much and I pass the same hurt unnecessarily.
For me to realize that in the end, I am just a friend, a very good friend infact is very hurting.

"Time can't be reversed so it's too bad. We had already known each other."

Depart is the only possible solution. I can only leave to feel better.

"I would pursue on. You can't leave me."

More like you don't want me to leave. The hurt and plead I heard in your voice is so real. Why would you be afraid if I leave? Are you just afraid that you would lose a good friend? Best friend forever?
You do not understand who you are to me. You are a piece of shadow, a piece of impossible longing, a piece of memory, a piece of very coincidental hard to come by good friendship. Yet how can I just be a good friend for you?

There is a line of gap between good friends and a couple. You are everything but just something (or a few things).

I slept through the day. slept through the loud cacophony of 'noise' from the funeral @ my block, slept through my father's cigarette smoke, slept throught the hours. I wish to sleep on cos' sleeping is the only way to let every emotion goes to sleep.

Sometimes I wish by going through long hours of sleep, I can wake up forgetting the bad stuff.
Wake up, moving on.
Moving on is really harder than one think. How to erase those markings you wish you have never draw?

The bad thing is I do not really have the time to sleep through everything. You know perhaps by sleeping long enough, you get tired of it and then you really move on.

I still have to go to work everyday, still have to smile everyday(Even if I don't feel like so but smiling is only necessary.), still have to go home and eat. (Eating is a total chore for me now! I just sit at the table, eating like it is a programme in my head. Chew,chew,swallow.)
I just have to keep this daily stuff going on as per normal so that no one would notice/worry.And I wouldn't have want them to anyway. No, not the attention on me. I don't need that.

A part of me stops moving cos' I can't leave and I can't move on. I really wish I could throw away all these daily responsibilities and really go away for a while. I will be back when I am ready, when I found something.
It just seem largely impossible cos' things surrounding you keep spinning non-stop and I can't ask to be excused.

I know life ain't as bad cos' there are bigger worries in life. There are so many more unfortunates cases around. There are people who worry about living, worry about money, worry about safety and health, worry about bigger worries in life.
Mine is so insignificant, I know. That is why I do not wallop in self-pity, I tried to be strong and move on, I never think mine is any case that requires special attention/counselling/consolation.

If everything is just a state of mind. Mine are all unnecessary pains.
I could do away with them.
I need alot of time alone,really alone. Yet there are so many places I am afraid to go alone cos' a lot of them have memories.

I then, wish for someone to bring me away.
Please.

Help.

Me.

4 years,we have not met.

2009-01-10T10:24:00.002+08:00

I met John yesterday.
(I wish I have a more creative way to open this entry but with John, my vocabulary and language flow become so limited and I decided not to over do it before it backlashes.)
I last seen John when I was 21 years old and it still amazes me how did the time fly by just like that?

"Hello Chuan Ling. Free for dnr tmr?"

That tomorrow was referring to Wednesday. I was pleased by surprise to see that message. Honestly I didn't think John meant it when he said we could meet sometime. While I never doubt John(No, never can doubt a person like him.), I kinda brushed that off as a mere greeting/gesture.
Sure I would love to meet John again but I am hardly one that would initiate a meeting with...a guy. Hahaha.-shy-

Unfortunately I was supposed to have a dinner with Irene & Von that Wednesday, (Though it never happen too and we were all stuck in office working OT.) so I thought Friday would be nice.
I do not know why and how but I actually initiated a movie session instead of dinner. I only remembered John mentioned he wanted to watch Red Cliff 2 too and so it happened that way.

Usually I would feel a little 'apprehensive' meeting someone that has been missing in my daily life, for years in that matter of fact.
Would we have things to talk about, long enough? Would there be awkward pauses? Would there be time that he wishes he would rather do something else than stuck trying to be talk to me?

Other than all those apprehensiveness, I felt faint from ~~excitement~~ anxiousness (Maybe) the whole day.
I felt as if it was back to the first time I talk to John and butterflies in my stomach,flew in confusion the whole day long.
To be honest, I was dead worried that I will make a fool outta myself, I suffer from sudden slurred speech, I miss my step and trip or worse, fall! A hundred and ten possible 'calamities' await and I became restless.

I remembered a part of our last conversation during the first meet up.
I couldn't remember what was John's exact words but he said something like 'Before Americans have rockets to reach the moon, what do they have?'
I swore that I would have know the answer! I was pretty sure I had seen that phrase before but all I did was blinking ignorance to John.
When he said with enthusiasm, "They have a dream." and went on, a part of me felt like slamming my face down the teppanyaki hot plate in front of me.
I felt very ignorant and small suddenly.

The working day went by half easily and not. I was extra cautious with myself when I trotted off to meet him.
But it was really all easy and all natural seeing John again. It hardly feels like it has been 3 - 4 years since we met.

Red Cliff 2 was good. I especially like the way Chao Cao delivered his poem - 短歌行.

对酒当歌，人生几何？
譬如朝露，去日苦多。
慨当以慷，忧思难忘.
何以解忧？唯有杜康。
青青子衿，悠悠我心。
但为君故，沈吟至今。
呦呦鹿鸣，食野之苹。
我有嘉宾，鼓瑟吹笙。
明明如月，何时可掇？
忧从中来，不可断绝。
越陌度阡，枉用相存。
契阔谈宴，心念旧恩。
月明星稀，乌鹊南飞，
绕树三匝，何枝可依？
山不厌高，海不厌深。
周公吐哺，天下归心。
(I think this is part of it only)

I was somewhat surprised to see John watching Chinese movies. He is very 'English' to me.
But too it is nice to observe how easily John is into the movie. He was lightly nodding his head along some parts, gave that "What for?Stupid!" hand gesture when the rash Zhang Fei rushed out only to meet the arrows and how he shook his head disapprovingly when Liu Bei backed out the alliance.
It is like seeing some other parts of John altogether.=)

We continued to hang out a little longer, replacing caffeine for smoothies @ Spinelli.
All those doubts, apprehensiveness etc are all stupid! It is ever so easy to talk to him, to carry a decent yet very 'connecting' conversation.
I am kinda surprised that I couldn't seem to hide who I am in front of him.

Ok to be fair, I never hide who I really am. I don't live pretending I am someone else. But I live with my thoughts within me. I don't seem to find the ability to verbalize them so here they are. I can 'write' them better than I talk.
So I don't think I could find someone that would be able to make me 'TALK'.

But yesterday was a brilliant night. Words just spilled and I don't even seem to realize that am I talking too much? There were mini moments I wish I have better words to phrase my sentences but they came out too quickly, too easily.

I think he just make me reveal a different side of me that is rarely seem(that I don't even recognized myself) effortlessly.
We covered about relationships, families, life, fears, future..I don't know. He is definitely better with his words than me and I don't know if I ever look daft in front of him.
Even if I am, he would be kind enough to never exposed me.

Anyway John took a step that most of us wouldn't took, in his career. It is a career that it took really a lot of courage, will power, faith and blah blah de blah to work on it. .
He was definitely drawing a comfortable salary (I think) but he took a step to make the change. That is definitely gonna challenge a lot of things in his life and he is brave enough to admit his fears in front of me.

I can only relate to my dear friend - Yuanpin for the choice that John made. I remember Yuanpin's unshakable faith for the choice he made for his career.
Of cos' it would be a lil' over-idealizing to think everyone would be able to make a living based on faith for a job. But what I am talking about here is the 'step'.
You certainly don't think it is easy in the first place to make that decision.

Whether it works out or not, it made a difference already.

Anyway John needs not worry about 'tainting' the impression he left on me. Cos' it is all the same and it gets better.

A person like him, hard to come by.
A friend like him, more than words.

When would comes another day/night whereby I can talk like that? Even if never, last night was good enough. Good enough.

For you, John. =)

2009-01-10T09:21:00.002+08:00

"A part of me is afraid. Afraid that the further I willed myself to go, the lesser I find myself wanting to go back."

"Then that's good. It shows that you are not missing him anymore."

There is never about having best of both worlds.
There is always an opportunity cost somewhere. (That applies to everything in life, isn't it?)

For the first time,my intention is never about provoking/upsetting you to change anything. My intention is trying to find the courage to look for what I want.

What I want/wanted, is oddly still a mystery. I am however,afraid that I would never find it if I never even walk outta the zone.

I know there is no such thing about a perfect love.

"Love is..Sacrifices!"

I feel dead sick in the heart thinking that I could be making the biggest mistake of my life by letting go. I am not even letting go cos' I thought I received something I wanted. I am letting go cos' I thought I would be better to stop this partial denial altogether and hopefully God would show me something that would tug me better in the heart.

I had faced this knot in my relationship many a times and even when I chose to confront it, I find myself not strong enough to cut it. I thought many times that I was just being silly, just need more attention etc.
Even till date, I still dare not give a confirmation to such thought.
I am not seeing the coast yet, still drifting.

I am a romance at heart. Despite the sobering reality, I still yearn for someone who can reach me inside. Someone who can talk to me easily and make me talk about ...my feelings inside,without mincing/hiding. The flow would be so effortless and natural.
Someone who could be a best friend and yet a unwavering lover. And that someone who makes me see every today and tomorrow with him. We could be poor or rich together but it is that connection of our hearts/souls that make us shine.

I know that is utterly silly cos' we don't live in 'Once Upon A Time' or Nicholas Sparks' novels. (Thank God for the latter, cos' I would have want to die myself if my partner I love so much died.) Perhaps what is important is finding someone whom you can live with, who loves you and someone you can at least feel ease at heart settling down with.
Maybe.

But now I can't live with that yet. Cos' I can't settle for that very empty feeling inside me and that makes me angry. A lot of times I felt pissed cos' you don't seem to be able to fit into what I wanted. I know it is never about what a partner wanted and I never meant that in material form or sort.
I am just talking about a 'connection'. It is almost like you have it or you don't.

Sigh.
But I don't think I'd ever lied. When I felt in love with you, I really did.
I could always feel myself crying thinking I could be doing something so stupid.
Still....I wanted the courage. The courage to see if what I am doing is right. If I am ever wrong and I could never return, I would not blame anyone. I would feel wistful,likely but I know I chose that. I would be responsible for that.

Would there be room for regrets? Would there be room for return? Would there be room for me anymore? I know fairly well what are the opportunity costs I am facing.

I know.

2009-01-08T22:03:00.001+08:00

As soon as I hung the call, my tears fell automatically.
The distant I heard and felt is more than enough to prove anything.

Happy Birthday, Jason.

2009-01-08T12:19:00.002+08:00

Happy birthday to you.
Whether we are meeting or not, (the reasons & decisions are wearily) I still wanna wish you a Happy Birthday.

Many blessings and happy returns to you.

Love,
Ling

Feel so sorry, baby I'm so sorry - 杜德伟

2009-01-06T21:03:00.002+08:00

The things I am doing are deem to be cruel. Quite frankly, I do not know if I have better ways of handling it.
I only know that every next step could be wrong, could change everything that I have now. Yet I do not want to pretend. I do not think I would be any happier if things go on further pretending or in other word - Denial.

Selfishly...I do not want to lose this vulnerable bit of courage I summed up for myself. I could easily give in to loneliness, to the comfort of having someone there, the embrace of unconditional love for me. But I find it hard to live on when I know I could so easily make things unhappy and not reciprocate the things I am given.
I had try so hard to catch up, to be happy but I know deep inside, alot comes from efforts.
Since when..happiness is something that you have to try to work on it?

I wanna see where can this leads me to...eventually.
I hope you can make things easier for me. You have to trust me that even if I seem cruel now, I am only doing it so it won't drags on and eventually it could be worse.

Nonetheless...I guess no amount of 'sorry's can make up for the way you could be feeling now.
I ain't any better but I am pushing myself to move forward.

I hope things will be better in time to come.

On silence

2009-01-04T16:37:00.003+08:00

One of my plans made for the year was to really slow down my eating pace.
By far, I only managed to really eat so slow that I often lost the appetite infront of one person. I really do not know why's the case.

At such, I am trying to control my intake amount & erm... rate perhaps. I think I am gradually losing the need for eating. Of cos' I do still eat when I have to but I think what I am trying to say is that I am able to control better.

Maybe this is too early to be said. It is after all only the fourth day of the year.
I need to contain such self control for the rest of my plans.

A peace within is slowly forming its shape but I know it would be destructed faster than I'd expect if I start brooding over the confusion too soon.

And then I am becoming a little too quiet for my parents' comfort. I am not usually chatty at home but to become so quiet would be somewhat worrying,I guess. I tried to be a little more involved but I really do not see the need for such pretence.
Besides maintaining silence is my forte. It almost feels as natural as breathing.
You may think of this as being autistic .
As opposed to my silence, I don't see how opening your mouth to talk every other minute is not polluting.
I think it just works differently for everyone.

I guess...it is better this way. The way things are right now.
I hope you can recognized this instead of staying in denial which is not making things any better for me.
And then this applies to me too. Not just you but for some other too.

I need to stay away.

Staying away

2009-01-03T21:33:00.015+08:00

Edward Cullen (Twilight) told Bella that he doesn't have the strength to stay away from her anymore (in the movie).
Staying away, I thought. Staying away...is hard when my heart is pining. But I know being alone is the best way out right now.

Speaking of 'away', I felt I was nearly blown off from my feet while sitting at the Singapore River earlier on. I was already swaying while sitting on the concrete seats. I decided to quickly put my writing back in my bag and hurried off before everything get blown away.

Getting outta the house on a weekend alone needs more courage and determination than I thought of.
As soon as the black clouds got combed over, I decided to take a quick bath and get ready before I change my mind.
I took longer than I should to really get outta the house.

Before I got outta the house, I scooped I-weekly for some quick ideas on where to go. Museum is an easy choice and by far, comfortable with lone ranger.
I scanned through the recommended list and I didn't feel like going to one that I need to pay.

There is only 1 free exhibition in National Museum and the other slightly more interesting one is the Asian Civilisation Museum.
I lingered on the latter thinking whether if I should go at all. (Of cos' this one, I have to pay.)
I had been there twice and they were both with Jason.

I am not sure if I could NOT get lost inside myself and actually going to museums with dim lighting ALONE, is kinda goose bumping. Even with Jason, I kinda had mini goose bumps here and there (Especially at the Chinese part. There were scary...erm..figurines.)when I was there.

(Ps: I still bump face to face with that scary figurines TWICE in the end and it made me stopped dead at my tracks for 3 seconds, TWICE!!!)

But still I willed myself to go ahead with it. It couldn't be that bad and surely I am more than capable myself to handle a small museum with 11 galleries only.
I am pretty sure that I can do it.

I made sure I was dressed in some sort of arty farty style before I stepped out. The right dress code sets the right mood.
Half way on the bus trip, my determination starts eroding and I wonder should I just go home.

Lucky for you, I didn't.

Here's the pictures.

This is a spot that I secretly sighed. Was it even real?

Before I show the rest of the pictures, I have to emphasize that some may be kinda~~goosebumpy.
I dunno, maybe it is just me. I wasn't freaked when I was there but then again, museum just has this kinda after effect. Especially those old photos.

Enjoy;)

I read that ACM is holding this Neither East Nor West exhibition. It kinda interests me so I went there. Only that I didn't expect it is just a small gallery.
Oh, if you are counting on me to relate what is history and what's the whole thing about. Forget it,ok?
This is the third time that I am there and I barely read those descriptions. I did alot more this time round but I forgot everything by now.

A closer look. I actually really like this shot.

Then I took some pictures of the photos.
I regret not taking Queen Victoria's. I didn't know she was so....erm..husky.

But this is the very first picture that I saw from the magazine before I decided to visit ACM.

Giving you a closer look now. Suck your breath!

I took a very close look while I was there. It didn't look as goosebumpy as I thought. I thought they were rather pleasant looking actually. I only remembered one of their names. Princess Sophia (That's easy for me to rem) and Princess...something.

I briefly glanced through the caption. It said something like they were brave for women of that era and very close to Queen Victoria, and something about paying taxes like commoners.
-Shrugged- I told you I am not good with reading and then remembering.

Now this is again the lady in the intro picture of this gallery. For a reason, I thought she looked very great in that pose, that outfit. It exudes a very strong,independent yet a lil' lonely and gentle feel.

At least this is something that I can feel strong enough to take a few photos of this same photo.
More than enough to give you goosebump again.

Ok,maybe no goosebumps.

Anna & the King. The KING,himself.

I was lucky that when I went in this gallery, a guide with a small 'troop' of British came in as well. So I overhead some explanations from the guide, tuning out most of them though.
But I wouldn't know that the above portriat was the Siam king himself(from Anna & the King) and I also heard that people in the past don't smile when their photos are taken.

Reason behind that is that it was perceived as rudeness to smile when taking photos.
I guess that is why you don't see people flashing their pearlies like that weird cat in Alice in the Wonderland, in those black and white photos era.

Hmmm..weird logic. Not even grinning.

I didn't proceed to take other photo of those photos. You wouldn't know half of them and seriously, none of them actually smile. So why freak myself?

Last few photos of that gallery.

I was trying one of those shots again. When I took this photo, that angmoh (yes,he's an angmoh) turned back upon noticing the flashlight.

I stucked my tongue out in embarrassement. I hope he doesn't think I was checking out his back profile. It ain't that gorgeous and I am not interested in SHORT (just merely my height) guys' profile, back especially.

I ducked out and proceed to another gallery.

On the way.

Then I bumped to another memory spot. These were with Jason.

We were there.

I stopped here,sitting down for a rest. This spot carries memories that trapped my feet there. While sitting there, appearing to watch the projector show ( I already spaced out by then), another ang moh came by and sit by me.
He sat there for sometime, appearing to watch the show as well. I really wondered if he was really watching. I seriously doubt anyone ever stop by to sit there and watch the show.
He left and I still sat stone there.

I was just somewhat relishing on those days actually. Funny how some part of the memories can make you feel. Relishing on the that very feeling when I was standing there.
A very acquired kinda feeling, I would say.

But I too, have a weird feeling that it is not gonna be the same today. I just have to sigh. Is this what I have lost to time? Change. What a major change I've suddenly seen in myself. Like I don't even know why and how and really, since when?

I enlarged this picture on purpose.

Did you see that faint red circle I drew on the photo? This is one hella goosebumpy sia! My body cringed with minor shock when I saw this photo as I uploaded it to my pc.
It took me a second to realise that it is JUST the picture of the curtain. Still disturbing at the first sight though.

As I relived this mini scared feel, I feel de ja-vu. I think this is not the first time for me. I got the same shock when I was there with Jason.

We were there, a photo taking spot.

I rushed down to find this spot. It is still there except the surrrounding changes a little.

Well...We were there too, holding each other @ this spot when the photo was taken by the self timer.

We were happier.

I glided through the rest of the galleries effortlessly. (Of cos, I wasn't even reading much)
Last few photos taken @ ACM.

Buddha's most famous lines in mortal world.

Haven - Junction of sacred and profane.

Profane - –adjective
1.
characterized by irreverence or contempt for God or sacred principles or things; irreligious.
2.
not devoted to holy or religious purposes; unconsecrated; secular (opposed to sacred ).
3.
unholy; heathen; pagan: profane rites.
4.
not initiated into religious rites or mysteries, as persons.
5.
common or vulgar.

Hmm...Chim. Haven is neutral and to be neutral, you might as well become air particles. It is afterall, easier to take sides.

I walked out,satisfied.

I stumbled along the Art House quite coincidentally. I swear I wasn't even looking for it nor know where it actually is.

There was nothing much there. I wondered why can't I entered 'The Screening Room'. I supposed I would see more photos there and I swear I saw a man opening the door just like that and went in.
I should have follow but instead, I went in the ladies for vanity sake. (T_____T)
When I wanted to go in, I almost pulled down the door. It's locked!
I don't understand.

There was really nothing much spectacular there except for a very nice chill out cafe. I was pretty hungry by then but I decided better not to go in.
First concern was the pricing. They do not have a menu laid outside. I don't want to go in paying more than I'd expect.
Second concern was the ordering style. The layout seems really random and casual. No servers were walking about or standing to serve. I just don't wanna make a fool outta myself inside.

I walked back to Esplanade and decided to have my meal at the Passion cafe in the library.

The lady serving me was calling me 'Love'. I was initially delighed to hear this kinda ang moh greeting(oh,I think she's from the States. Black american but not that black.) in Singapore but as she continued, her 'love' doesn't sounds like she has got any 'love' in her voice.
I almost rolled my eyes the third time I heard 'love' coming from her.

Love,shouldn't sound like that.

The hours seem to stretch by when you are alone. I felt like I had doodled alot of time off but it was a mere 4-5 hours? While I went to Suntec, I started to feel lonely.Decided to head home still.

Being alone..feels lonely of cos. But it is still better than feeling not natural. I guess I just need some practice with that and really, lonely is more welcome by me than most other kinda feelings.

I am pretty good with handling solitude.

It is just me that you can't handle.

So near yet so far

2009-01-03T12:01:00.002+08:00

That's a cliche and it's a very helpless one.
A very bright star caught my eye while I was walking back home.

I stared out and saw a mere fraction of the crescent moon almost standing parallel to it.

Like they were watching each other, admiring and talking to each other without us hearing.

If they were ever in love, would it hurts for them?

Able to see each other yet they are more than a few (that I do not know the quantity measure)galaxies apart. It would hurts more than not seeing each other at all, wouldn't it?

Saturday.

I wasn't even angry to start the rejection with. I am just trying to be honest about it.

That leaves my Saturday alone to myself. Much unaccustomed to it though.

Hey, the skies is suddenly brightening up! I guess I would need to hurry out before my lazy monster pulls me back. I am never good when time is NOT measured against me.

If I ever stepped out, I would let you know where I've been.

;)

2009-01-01T18:18:00.003+08:00

I literally jolted outta my lying position at 6pm sharp. I fell asleep for that many hours?
I had only intended to catch on a hour nap or two but my soul kept drifting in and out of my body in the last hour.
I wanted to wake up but like someone else pushing my eyelids close each time I try to open, I just couldn't wake up.
6pm sharp, for some reason, I jolted up quite suddenly upon hearing my mother's voice which is suddenly booming loud to my ear. (Despite she was just talking @ my brother's room.)
I sat up looking down at my knees, kinda distressed.
Search me.
-Shrugged-

I try to remember what was my last conversation on phone was about yesterday. I felt a little relieved and yet disappointment mixes in too. Why can't I actually feel 100% good about anything?I am so tired of this kinda 'mixed' feeling.

I am too a rather 'mixed' person. I just can't learn to be 'one' altogether. For someone who has so many to type, so many emotions to write yet is too a person that can't express this freely verbally.Also someone who actually doesn't feel so emotional outside but inside is like a twirled up world.

If I keep up posting gloomy posts for the first day of the year, I thought the rest of it would look good. That is not good but again, this year is about me trying to be clean cut. So I guess there is nothing or not that much rather that I would hide here.

I am looking outta my black panel windows again, forming grid lines. The white fluffy clouds seem to make their way to another plot and the mid blue sky looks like a piece of big cloth.
Sometimes they(the sky & clouds & many of what's hanging on it) look like a mega big curtain to me, I wonder what I would find if I push away the 'curtain'.

A familiar stranger,perhaps.
Hmmm....Interesting notion.

1st January 2009

2009-01-01T11:16:00.004+08:00

I love the first day of the year.
My last words for 2008 as I stared into the black starless skies were "Another year, another day."

Despite the cheers brought to me on the other line (allowing me to draw up a mental image of the crowds, the fireworks, the smiles etc), I felt very wrapped up in my room,my own world.
Yes, I was uncontrollably held close by another soul from the last 30 minutes of a year to another.
I wondered what is the significance or rather what does it signifies for/to me? Staring at the 'Plans 2009', I sighed warily.

Back to the first day of the year. Funny how I often thought (& thought I remembered so) that it would always drizzle lightly in the warm sunshine. Like a welcome dance for the new year but I've yet to see any drop of anything from the sky but many fluffy clouds forming their lines.

It's warm,alright. Maybe I remember the weather wrongly. Remembering things ain't my exact strength to begin with.

And on the word 'funny', it is kinda amusing that how I had read the word - 'Goals' to 'Plans' and didn't realised my mistake. I wasn't NOT paying attention to my message but as if something else obscured my vision, I just read it like that.

I woke up at 9am sharp. I thought I could use more sleep. Obeying to my alarm is not a strict rule on rest days. Oddly my body managed to restrain it's little fatigue and I actually sprang awake.

(Ok this is digressing but I have to add on to this.)
I continued reading Twilight and finished it. The story itself is so much more intense & actually really sexily romantic. If you have watched the movie, you may like the little romance here and there but I thought it was surely lacking of alot of punches in it. So the book is so much more. I feel silly to be involved with a teen romance vampie novel but now I kinda wanna buy the rest of it.

So after finishing the book with little efforts, I read through those new year smses from my friends again. It was only then I realised that John said 'Goals', not 'Plans' in his sms.
I stayed a minute confused cos' I was somewhat sure that I read 'Plans' but then I thought the reading mistake is not something uncommon for me(I often subconsciously misread alot of words.)

Plans, somehow & somewhat work better for me. Knowing that I won't stick to my goals & resolutions, plans...seem...okay to keep up with.
=)

I went ahead to meet Yvonne & Shireen after work yesterday. We were 'dick-nifing' (Come to think of it, what a word for a lady but you think coming to 25 years of my life, I would still act like a demure nun?) & laughing our heads off.
A great way to destress. With men-hater girlfriends, jokes, coffee & love. (Though I know I look unalarming tired yesterday. I realised I barely sleep well the night before.)

Before I met them, I visited Harry Potter's library. I know at the rate I am reading, Twilight won't be seeing it's next twilight (lame...) so I went off to buy more 'spells'.
The uncle grows to like my face (but of cos' -whoever goes in his store every other week and donate $10-$30 each visit?)

It's not that H.Potter library is running outta books for me to buy but I am ashamedly not that knowledgeable about books. I need to know what I wanna read before I buy them. Ok, a few of mine were spontaneous buying but I had good feel about them before I buy.

So I ended walking out with yet another 3 of Nicholas Sparks' novels. What am I doing? As if I didn't know better what would happened in Sparks' stories and I am still buying?

I wouldn't say I am very pleased with my choices but I don't think I would be that deadly disappointed either. With Richard Gere on the cover, I lightly doubt so. Did I mention I like movie-covered books?

I do not know when did I started this reading frenzy but it seems like a good way to tranquil myself in a world that no one sees.

I hope this year is fueled with courage for me. To make changes, to stick to my 'plans', I would need courage more than I need food. For all you know, do not encourage me. For some of which that I may eventually decide, would inevitably hurt you. But trust me, if I ever do so, I did it with good intentions.

First day of the year. Make y'er living.

Brace yourself for the coming year

2008-12-31T20:15:00.003+08:00

I guess everyone of us tend to get a little emotion when it comes to the end of the year.
I would be sitting here till 2009 steals 2008 away in a couple of hours. Alone, I hope.
At this state of mind, I really dislike that my dad comes in and tell me things that I can't manage to decipher.
All I really want is not cheers, smses, phone calls. I don't need any other sound in my world. All I want is a peace of mind.

" 回头是梦，仍似被动 "- 张学友《李香兰》.

There are million over thoughts and emotions fleeting through my mind and heart every other minute.
Till the year of 08, I really feel tired.

There are things I have to face up and I can't pretend anymore. When all of you see me smiling and laughing my head off, do you really think you know me?

I decided to be honest. I would not hide things but I would not explain them. If you ask me, I would tell you if I can put it to words. I would not want to pretend to be happy anymore to make you happy.
The less I pretend, the more upset I caused. I'm afraid of this but I do not want to pretend all the time.

So many things I would wanna put behind. So many things I would wanna start anew. So many things I would wanna end it.. So many things that made lost in thought.

I received quite a few of 'Happy New Year' usual greetings back. Thank you for those but only one of which makes me think.
John, again.
I guess only John is capable of inspiring me with sometimes simple, sometimes complex words.
I think he is an angel but John doesn't want any praises.

Anyway he asks me to set plans for the new year and achieve them. Not resolutions. Plans.
Maybe it is meant the same but to me,I thought differently. Plans sound simple and achievable.

Coming to a new year, some people would feel inspired to come out with a list of resolutions. Soon it just becomes a yearly routine and more often than not, it gets defeated by the routine of time.

I am not confident at all to achieve whatever plans that I would write down but with all these jaded emotions running through my life, I badly wanted a change for my quarter life.(As if I am entitled a hundred.)
Freaking 25 years old I would be. I don't want to live through all those ...whatchamacallit all over again.

Courage would be the main catalyst I need. To do anything. To be true-ful to myself. Even if that hurts others, it would be for everyone's good...I hope.

Accept changes.
Accept that I've changed. Too fast, too painful.
I am not sure of what I want now and/or what I would do. But I guess it may just takes me a lifetime to figure up.

This is not a cheerful and very incoherent post.
Don't worry, I am not losing my smile yet.
I just need the courage to make it real and make it stay.

Happy New Year.
I wish you all a good year ahead.

2008-12-28T17:57:00.005+08:00

I must have been one of the easiest buyer of that second hand book store @ Peace Centre. (Which I hereby conveniently renamed it as 'Harry Potter's library'.)
After knocked off, I headed in the store with only one book in mind. - Ps.I love you. I was chanting in my head, "Do not buy Twilight. Do not buy Twilight. Do not buy Twilight."

I watched the movie, I like the romance. But buying a vampire fiction is another issue altogether. Besides there are like 5 series in total? I certainly don't think I would like to buy 5 vampires fictions.
After withdrawing the cash, I walked in the store confidently only to see Twilight right infront of my eyes.
Before I know it, I walked outta the store with 2 books and $20 lesser. All of that in less than a minute.

Damn.

PS:I am almost finishing PS.I love you now. Double damn.

I could have chose to go home, go Starbucks (I lingered at the thought of Central's one) or go Rocky Master @ Orchard.
I decided that I should just go Orchard for the convenience of straight bus home but I ended up at TCC, outside Shaw.

I just love that TCC. It must be the design(Every of it) that attracts me.

Litchee freeze & Pumpkin Cheese Cake.

I asked the server how many kinds of cheesecake do they have and I thought I heard 4? Salivating, I walked cooly to the cake counter and thought I clearly only saw 2 kinds.
I gave that tradional marble cheese cake a pass.
I dunno if pumpkin cheesecake is nice but hell, it is really nice!

It has a very soft texture and it must have been really fresh! Ever tried not so fresh cakes? Try some from Coffeebean. My gawd, I could choke on those.
Not too sweet nor savory and the faint taste of pumpkin & cheese go pretty well.

I had a good corner seat outside with just the right amount of sun shining on me. Reading just seems the right thing to do alone.

The only not so good thing about sitting outside is you would face the peril of meeting uninvited pests!
No, it ain't the case of some cretins hit on me but it is the case of that fucking flies (2 of them!) who fed themselves on my cheese cake!

I'm pretty grossed out but my cake is not even half finished.
I scraped off a big portion and quickly chowed down the (hopefully) unaffected rest of it. I am not about to waste the good food and more importantly,my money!

See that fucking thing?

It seems to me that it is pretty delight to have an oversized cake to itself. It quickly leave me alone after it has its fill. Gee...Am I just kind or what? Leaving it to the fly to eat and probably shite there.(Haw,haw,haw.)

I was at all time contemplating should I just meet Jason or not? I have my concerns & confusions.
Ok,I am not gonna give any explanations here. But to conclude, I did meet him afterall.

We had dinner at Ramen Ramen situated at the Railway mall (or whatever it is) place.

I didn't think the taste is any different from Ajisen's. Price is around that range. Service is quite ok. No complains.

Jason could be the one who never gives up on me, always waiting patiently, always making me laugh, always always...

Sometimes I really wish he could be more selfish for himself.

I think I must have be belonged to the skies. I always like staring up,no matter what colour it has been. More often than not, I dreamt of skies,clouds. Good looking ones and scary looking ones.

Wish I could fly away sometimes.

"I'm still trying...You are slowly rejecting." - Jason

2008-12-26T20:51:00.002+08:00

I admit that I was really mean. Part of me keeps drowning in this bad feel but part of me lives in total rejection.
After Irene's party (Photos updated at Facebook), I reached home tired and feeling under the weather.
I reflected alot while I bathed. I felt disgusted of myself.
How much a person I've changed. Just how much?

Part of me...like Jason said, rejects everything altogether. No matter how fine the day could have been between me and Jason, it could very much be that day only. Yet it fails to reach deep within. That part of me already closed in rejection.

I can't explain everything and I do not know how long should it be prolong?
Ever since April 07, things between us has been a roller coaster ride with more downs than ups that I remembered.

Days...Days that I felt very painful from the whole trauma too. Not just him.
Now...Now I felt pretty numb inside.

I do not know and I don't wanna wallop in my (bad) emotions anymore.

Is there anything I could do?

只剩下钢琴陪我谈了一天 - 周杰伦

2008-12-24T22:17:00.009+08:00

I am pretty sure that my friends who are reading this are now spending a lovely Christmas Eve.

I am not spending a bad one.

At least right from 12.00am till 3.30pm,I am having a good one.

Yes, you read me right. I had a very sweet one 30 mins before 12.00am and till it striked Christmas Eve on the dot, I was greeted sweetly.

Why should I deny on that? It was my moment of heart felt happiness & raw sweetness.

Misunderstanding?Short-fused?Whatever. I just do not share the patience & heart to deal with that maturely. Plans? You and I are now weary and worry that whatever plans that could be in the mind could not meet my expectations anyway.

Whatever,ok? No more lessons. Don't even bother to reason.

This season is not meant for solid reasoning. Whatever I have want to say, my conclusion was finalised during that Botanic Garden night.

I still did not change my opinion and could break free anytime I want.

This is the changed me now.

Who did that? Everything in time taught me so and I am not so lucky to find myself in a settling down situation.

Time has taken its toll.

Period.

On a lighter note, I would like to introduce this shop.

Yep. National Geographic is no longer just found on SCV channel! It has taken the retail path too.

It is found at Vivo City.The former space whereby it sells Spanish stuff?Next to Coffeebean @ L1.

I definitely like the whole layout of the store. Black walls, photo frames, big plasma,professional DSLR, clothings etc. Very contemporary, very nice.

Hence I took a few pictures with my humble Pixon and present here (an adjusted exposure) photos I took.

Go check it out when you go Vivo next time.

Crap! I have no piano. -- 只剩下钢琴陪我谈了一天. Bullocks.

Merry Christmas~

It has been a long week

2008-12-21T18:28:00.003+08:00

I was off since officially Thursday 6pm and taking leave doesn't feel any better till it is taken nearing end of the year.

If you meant to ask about Friday, I ended my Friday with a light note of disappointment. But I can't exactly labelled that as disappointment too. It is only apparent that things are no longer as beautiful and I am standing further than I thought.

Saturday was Waikiki Xmas party.

1)Von has got a very cool mum!

2)Shireen's bunny is damn cute,can? I almost wanna bag it home.

3)We laughed alot.(among ourselves)

4)My eyes are voted as the sexiest part of my body.

5)See my expression with regards to no 4:

LMAO = Laugh my ass off

6)I am convinced that Shaowei has got a waist that's smaller than mine. (Very obviously.)

7)I think my friends rock!(That,without a shadow of a doubt.)

8)We are now looking forward to 25th December 08!! WHOOO~

Digress. I think I can now post a pict of my Tigger everyday. I reached home finding it lying on my bed in different poses (no pun intended) everyday.

On Thursday

On Friday

I thought Junxian was being really sweet when he came down to wait for Irene @ the house block when we drove her home yesterday. I commented that to Jason and told him that I bet if it was me & you, you might just stay home watching soccer.

I don't mean any malice but he doesn't seem to be too pleased with that.

He said he will do the same and even "complained" that he doesn't get any credit (from me)for being me and Irene's 'chauffeur' .

T__T

Between me,Von & Yin, we all know how much JX loves Irene & I think I have every respect for that.

Ok, Jason...You are a terrific boyfriend too,ok? I have respect for that too. ;)

Argh..my round face!

I am hungry now. It's 冬至 today!! Everyone go eat your 汤圆. I wish all of you bliss always. See ya on Christmas.

Muack!

It's pictures update again~

2008-12-18T23:22:00.005+08:00

Today I came home and Tigger was positioned this way with Flurry. It almost seems to me that Tigger is a live 'pet'.

I met up with Jason for dinner tonight and I've been chanting to him (via emails) that I want a dog. Most time he conveniently ignored those emails that mention 'dog'. I made use of tonight to keep chanting that I want a dog. Haha.

Anyway I have got my small gift for the Xmas party ready. =D

Ok, I didn't wrapped it. Jason did. My hands aren't good for arts & craft,ok? I dislike wrapping.

After our meal, I asked Jason to wrap for me. Hehe. While he was concentrating, I got bored and started playing with my Pixon.

Obviously I took way more photos than I showed here. But this is one of it.

Kidding.

Mosiac 9 shots and I missed the first one.

Let's try taking one (or many) one day. Think it would be funny.

Anyhow, the present is ready! I just decided not to care if I am overdress for the party on Saturday. Maxi dress is hawaiian style and that's final. No more brainstorming! The party is gonna be funnnnnnn~~~

Oh...I definitely have not mentioned that we have a Mickey mouse in my office!! A few days ago, one of my colleague suddenly let up a sharp shriek and almost wanna stand on her chair. (I guess she would if the chair ain't the rolling type.)

She saw a small mouse and we couldn't find it! It did send most of us in a frenzy. How on earth did a mouse come in an office at level 6 amazes us? Most of us did not caught sight of the mouse (It's too fast, I think it is ninja mouse!) and would not know how big it is.

Just 2 days ago, I suddenly saw a very quick small brown figure zoomed under the table. Boss got a mouse trap and this morning, we finally see how our uninvited guest looks like.

Don't scream.

It is actually really small and it looks so poor thing to be stuck in that super glue kinda trap. I have pity for it,really. I mean, it may be a disgusting rodent but it is very small and pitiful to be trapped for hours like that.

I know the comment wont be the same if it is a cat size rat but still, we think it's a poor life stuck there. Boss put the trapped mouse in a plastic bag & dumped it. (don't ask me where.)

It is very likely to die from hunger, exhausment just like that. Sigh. When I told Jason about it(via email), he said the right way should be burn it if not germs would spread when it decomposes. The notion of burning a life alive freaks me off. Like I don't understand how people can actually eat the prawns boiled alive. Eating it when it is already dead and eating it when it is a life becoming a meat,is 2 different things. Technicially speaking.

Ok, maybe that mouse pic does put you off a little. My apologies.

Blah!

Oh..one more pic left. Jason folded a rose from the leftover wrapping paper. He decided to tape it on my arm just like that.

-___-

Night,people.

Muack!

2008-12-17T20:59:00.002+08:00

I always wanted to do blood donation but I just have not went for a proper blood examination. If I wanted to donate blood to help, I must make sure the blood I donate is good blood that can be use.
Does it cost to have a blood examination? Sadly I would not be able to meet the timing of that 3 days stated there.
Anyone wanna donate blood with me?

My Tigger (Rawr,rawr) was being positioned by my dad on my bed. Those 2 shots were taken on separate days. I got a mini surprise each time I see Tigger sprawling on where I am supposed to lie.

I heartx Tigger's size! Reminds me of a big doggy....like..Golden Retreiver?

I can barely hold down my desire for a dog nowadays! I always wanted a Golden Retreiver but since where I am staying doesn't allow a big dog, I would settle for almost any kinda small dogs!

If only it is allowed....Sigh.

My VAIO finally comes with a complete case! A normal case & authentic VAIO mouse fetch ridiculous price in the store and hence I gave up on buying the mouse when I got the laptop.

Today I got them @ a mere $19.90. It would be ridiculous to say NO to such deal.

Pretty,pretty pink stuff. =D

Other than all these, I can't find anything emo-tic to blog.

Perhaps that's good.

I want a dog,please?

2008-12-16T21:22:00.002+08:00

I heard about this book way before I even saw the poster outside Lerk Thai,Paradiz Centre. I always wanted to buy it but didn't think it is worth the retail bookstore's price.

I finally got it. Brand new at an affordable and seemly good deal - $10 @ that second hand Harry Potter's library like bookstore at Peace Centre.

I started my reading yesterday. On & off, I find myself smiling, wanting to tear, almost laughing. (Ok, I laughed.)
I am totally looking forward to this movie. Though I know the movie probably won't be as good as the book but it actually is more fun reading the book when you can put a face to the names.
(In this case, I can virtually see Jennifer Aniston & Owen Wilson, and that cute Labrador in those pages.)

Can I just have a doggy,please??

Ps: I almost teared when I watched Little Nyonya just now. That part when Yueniang was describing her Nya, and when her Ma Ma reprimanded her and they hugged in tears.
For a long time, I have not seen a better Channel 8 show than this!
Alot of those better quality ones often ended up in crappy ending. I so hope this is different!

I hope you dance - Leeann Womack

2008-12-14T20:29:00.002+08:00

Before a family disaster (I shall not explain here) broke out earlier on, I was watching the repeat of 与xin(I dunno which 'xin' is hers)共舞 - the dance variety show hosted by Belinda.
I like that show actually. It is fun to see her learning the different types of dance of the world and it touches my heart actually.
I figure it is the whole sincerity & honesty that the show presents.

Anyway the episode was about her learning Foxtrot. - Another kind of ballroom dance.
I was reminded how much I love ballroom dancing. I wish I can dance but I don't think I actually can. Ballroom dancing is just a young girl's romantic dream.

I so gonna repeat my ideal kinda wedding. The angmoh type. Hahaha.
To me, a wedding that's simple,held at a nice field, with flowers, mini live band, a nicely decorated centre stage where the couple says their vow...etc couldn't be more perfect & romantic.
The couple would proceed to do their slow dance together. People could join or watch. -Sigh-

I need romance. It could save or kill me for all I care.(Ok, I care.)
Romantic guys can sway my heart so easily that it is dangerous.

I guess for most cases, I come to realise, romance is something that inbuilt in the genes. If you are not born romantic, it is just so bad. I guess you have to learn alot to make up for the differences.

Gee...what am I talking about here. Blahing nonsense. Let's just say I am still a lil shaken from the things that happened just now.
Period.

If you want food

2008-12-14T15:07:00.013+08:00

I recommend you to another eatery place. Perhaps you have been there but it was my first visit there and I felt like a kid going to Toys'rus for the first time.

(Ps:I am now using blogspot's orignal way of uploading the photo one by one and I tell you,it is royal pain in the arse!)

Jason & I were at Rafflescity last afternoon and we had no idea what to eat. We first had Shokudo, the yummy Japanese pasta @ Cineleisure Orchard and we thought this might be the same.

What delights us was the varieties spread out to us inside. It is pretty much the Marche kinda concept. I am just happy,happy and happy to be inside, busy snapping the colourful sights away.

They have the teppanyaki, the ramen, the western, the blah blah de blah. Not very cheap but perhaps every thing goes under $10.(I think)

These are what we had.

That is not a big yellow cabbage. It is omelette..actually more of scrambled egg covered rice.

My actual omelette salmon fried rice.

All the mayo~hmmmm~sinful!

Do not be fool by the size of it. It is actually filling!
Jason and I were sitting next to the dessert stall (by some unknown pull of force). No matter how full we are, it is foolish to skip the dessert all together. (despite at the peril of my weight)

But the design of those desserts are just so cute!

Ice cream on thick toast.

Ice cream crepes

For Jason, if there is waffle available, he won't give a damn what other choices are available. I took a long while to decide between the thick toast, crepe and those other Japanese desserts.

Banana MILK (Yes,milk not vanilla! BIG difference in taste!) crepe and his rum & rasin icecream waffle.

The crepe is so big that it covers the entire big plate. Just the crepe itself tastes & smells so darn good! If I wasn't so filled already, I would have really enjoyed this one.

The waffle is not just your normal Bengawang Solo waffle or those ready made rock hard waffle. It's pretty thick and soft. One ridiculous thing though - Additional 30cents for the chocolate sauce? 30cents? Wth.

Overall Shokudo,Japanese food bazaar is nice! On the side note, I must really cut down on all these eatings. Look at my ROUND face! I dunno why people said oval shape face is ideal? You know what? Oval is prone to becoming round. Wtf.

On the other side note, I really feel 'RAWR!'. What's wrong with all the shoes merchandisers? Can't you bring in more 'plus size' shoes? I so HATE it whenever they tell me no more size. WTF,wtf,wtf!

I went to 3 or 4 Charles & Keith asking for the shoe that I want and in Schu, I asked for 3 different kinda sandals...NO SIZE! I was sooo~pissed that I kept 'rawring' @ Jason.

That's a hell long ago pic. Look at the golden fringe.

My mum ought to bind my feet while I was growing up. Don't laugh, it is not funny! You don't know the kinda exaperation & embarrassment whenever the sales staff told you there's no more size for the shoe you want.

Nonetheless, I still bought 3 shoes yesterday. 1 Puma sneaker from RSH, 2 from Schu. Rawr,rawr,rawr!

Ok, sorry for the sub-standard kinda wordings and posts lately. I am bored.

Anyway~it's such a good weather today huh? Rain on Sunday morning. Hmmm~ =3

Is there something wrong with Photobucket?

2008-12-14T14:46:00.001+08:00

How come it is taking so long to load & refused to upload some of my pictures?
Argh..SUCKS!
Can someone recommend me a more efficient medium?

Back dating

2008-12-12T16:57:00.005+08:00

Taken @ Great World City last Saturday. Jason & I were there for a night movie - Zack & Miri make a Porno. I was like practically watching a porn show with all the actions.
The shops were closed then and I took the chance to take pictures of those bunnies, hamsters & guinea pigs.
Pretty cute things,huh?

I wanted to have a bunny (if I can't have a dog) but master said that bunnies are no good for those who are born in the year of rats? Well..actually the full story is don't be together with a goat & bunny.
I don't know? What if the person I like is borned in the year of bunny leh? I do get along with people who are in the bunny zodiacs mah.

Pretty ugly drink cup given by GV . Aliens & Predators 2 - Must be leftovers.

We went to eat @ the above mentioned stall last Friday. Location: Taka B2, near the lifts.

The whole thing looks pretty cute (Why on earth am I so big on the word 'pretty' now?Pretty cool, pretty cute, pretty ugly...????). The layout (abit small), the uniform(though it's aunties).

Looks pretty (Here I go again.)good huh? But I am a tad disappointed with the taste. For the price that they are priced, I would expect a 'hmmmm~~~'(Vonx, KL!!) kinda response @ first bite.
It's not bad but it's nothing fantastic either. And it costs! Damnit.

Nothing much to update. (Other than those way overdued ones but forget it.)
It's such a fboring day and I spent the most of today doing nothing.
Yes, I am blogging at work now cos' today is no government day.
So sick of surfing the net.

15 mins to go,go,go,go!

Some little updates...

2008-12-10T20:29:00.002+08:00

I've been eating Subway 2 days in a row and now I think I am sick of it.(Despite the different choices I had eaten.)

Still you would not deny that when you are sick of all the greasy mixed vegetable rice, noodle or even pasta, Subway is refreshing for a change.

It is like a guilt free Macdonald. Or maybe less guilt Macdonald.

I received this in my mailbox yesterday and instead of dumping it, I left it on my table. A not-for-profit (They don't call it non-profit anymore?) kidney dialysis centre asking for donation.
It has a one time donation option and a monthly donation option.
Donating $20 (There is a $8 option but what can $8 do?) from my account monthly doesn't seem too painful for a deed.

I have not sign up yet cos I am considering that any other not-for-profit organizations could be just another scam. I know if I wanna donate, I should not be thinking of that. But I just do not want my monthly contribution to be in the pocket of black hearteds.

Anyway I realised my Pixon is really meant more for a camera than a phone. You would be surprised that I have yet to really camwhored with the 8 mpx camera (But that is the exact reason which I have not try to camwhore with it too.).
I was just playing with it and I realised there are alot of different kind of editing/enhancing functions in it.
Hmmmm...like a mini Picasa in a camera.

Edited with it's function.

Pretty cool huh?

2008-12-09T21:01:00.002+08:00

I have no time to blog.
Not enough time cos' by the time I on my pc, visited Facebook & Friendster...It's time for Little Nyonya!

Damn.

If it snows in Singapore

2008-12-08T18:39:00.002+08:00

Today would be like the first day of snowing.
Good day,friends. Hope you have enjoy the long weekend break.

Have so many to blog but each time I wanna do so, my fingers lost it's rhythm and my mind comes to a blank. Mainly because ....deep inside, I feel empty. Really empty.

I realised how much a person I've changed to but I don't think I am bad. I just feel tired. So tired that nothing seems to excite me anymore and there is nothing much I would like to believe in.
No, I do not believe in you changing to what I want for long and I do not believe trying to fall in love again.
And bang! That's it. I realised something within me has stopped burning altogether and I do not believe in anything that's worth trying again.

That sounds pretty dark, pretty bad and pretty ugly. (The term 'pretty ugly' is pretty amusing, don't you think so?)

Now I am not someone who tries to be kind when I am not feeling so. I am not someone who tries to be nice when I am not feeling so. I am not someone who tries to believe in finding love when I am not believing it so.

I am waiting...somehow.
I am waiting for someone to show me the way instead of wanting me to show you how. No, I won't be bother to show anyone how cos' I don't believe in doing that and it will work shite.

(Mum comes in complaining about Dad and Dad comes in complaining about Mum. How do I tell them I do not give a literate FUCK about that?!)

This season...Magic is lost. Love is lost. Money is lost. Faith is lost.

To fuck with all that.

When I say I want it, I most likely would get it.

2008-12-07T01:30:00.003+08:00

Damnit,it's nearing to 2am. Thank goodness that I have the long weekend to do a proper blog. That is if I am not that lazy to do so.

Night people.
I am now the owner of Samsung Pixon.

I have decided...

2008-12-03T20:54:00.002+08:00

Maybe*

The next phone I wanna get for myself is

Samsung Pixon

Think it's gonna be really expensive thus I can onl
y state a maybe for it. If this is gotten, I would say bye bye to a digi cam (like what for,right? Haha)

If only that comes in pink colour. No, I don't want that F480. Blah.

Gonna start my mini art work...When I feel like it.

Blah Blah Black Sheep.

Cause nothing going right, everything's a mess and no one likes to be alone - Avril Lavigne

2008-12-02T20:38:00.002+08:00

Suddenly I thought of this song - I'm with you. Sometimes I wish a good stranger would come and take me away. Take me to Never-land & shield me from damage or rather shield me from damaging others.

I returned home,tired and grow frustrated while I was bathing. Frustration just builds from within and I feel more so angry for not being able to share them or maybe release them.
Don't assume that I am often simple thinking and as cool (or so I was told) and collected as I seem. I fucking ain't no robot and I feel frustrated that all I could do is to learn to deal with all those frustrations myself.

I thought of what happened on last Monday. Have we drawn a conclusion from that few hours of talk and tears? Have we? How come I feel more frustrated than ever?
Like what the fuck is wrong,really?

I came home from AMK. I decided to go there afterall. I thought of checking out that FCUK watch & buy my mum the durian pancakes.
Good news is that FCUK watch is lesser than I thought. After the 20% discount, I find it somewhat reasonable and I decided that is the year end gift I should get for myself.
The not so good news is it is now only available at Century Square. WTF?! I only saw it there last week and now it shifted to Century Square? If I don't get it this week, would it even be there?
Reached home tired,hungry and realised that mum drank the bubble tea brother bought for me last night.(She knew it was for me.) I didn't have enough time to control myself and showed her the (T__T) face.
Then my dad came in and reminding me the monthly allowance. I withdrew already but just have not gave them because I just reached home.
To be honest, I almost felt fucking pissed. I would really be if they aren't my parents.
I just feel damn frustrated.

I calmed myself down but really gobbling down my food. I figured I was frustrated cos' I was hungry. I ate fast and ugly. But hunger ain't the factor that I am sitting down alone and gobbling down the food. I did it cos' I want to eat it fast & no one would find the chance to talk to me.

I am asking why's the frustration? Don't I have enough to make me feel happy? Why am I angry? Am I angry with them or myself?

And I long for someone new, someone brave, someone smart, someone strong....Just take me away.
Like which girl doesn't?

You.No solutions for me.
Me.No happiness for you,who and what.

Twas 24 days before Christmas

2008-12-01T20:31:00.002+08:00

It is like Oh-mi-gosh~DECEMBER is HERE!!!!
Nope, I have not been snapping pictures of any Christmas trees, not been shopping or even coming up with a list of gifts. I am barely feeling the love of this season.
Actually I think there would be a alot lesser humans feeling the love of this season. This year has been an unfortunate one for far too many.
(I am crossing my fingers as I typed this.)

I have another 24 days to get into the mood.

Ooommmppphhhh....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Drinking, dancing and over doing

2008-11-30T19:17:00.003+08:00

I raised my hands and admit that I was a VERY bad girl this Saturday.
I could only think of were "Don't talk, don't shout, Control, I am tired, I want to be alone, what happened on Monday, is Irene available, stupid crowds everywhere..."

I am not a heavy clubber. Whenever I'm there, all I could see is how people losing themselves, trying to be happy(That I wondered how many are really happy?), trying to push their way around. Of cos' I was one of them but I can't say I am totally into it. I was merely trying to fit in the crowd while moving my body to the beats.(And I wondered do I look stupid when I'm dancing?)

This is my favourite photo of the night.(Taken by Jason)

Late nights on long run are definitely detrimental to the body (and bank account). Maybe I lost the time to do so. When I was younger, I don't even step in to any clubs. Now when I do it, I slept another 12 hours to make up for the lost of energy.
But I am somewhat glad that I don't party that hard when I was younger. When I see those sexy wannabes at Powerhouse, I don't feel interested.
By the way...Powerhouse sucks man! I don't know if we were dancing or our bodies are moving cos' everyone just keep bumping to each other. Back to those sexy wannabes? I don't even see any substance in them and only guys like Jerry & Kliff would love picking them up one by one.
-roll eyes-

Boilers live is much better but this is my second visit and I still hear the few same old songs. But it's good cos' it makes you wanna sing along.

I wouldn't condemn clubbing altogether cos' I see it as a really fun time to be with your girlfriends. (No BOYFRIENDS!)
To do it every weekend? I would need to consider that.
I miss sleeping earlier on a Saturday. =3

You know, I miss you all. Meeeowww.

What I Lust for Christmas...Are...

2008-11-28T22:50:00.002+08:00

Christmas is approaching in less than a month's time. But honestly speaking, with the economic downturn, the world's chaos(that's really very bad) and the not so xmasy town decorations, no one seems to get inspired for this Christmas.

Let's face it, the news are just depressing and what has the world has to offer for Christmas this year? Peace, love and joy? Ho,ho and ho. -Sigh-

Still there is nothing wrong with having things that you lust for this season.
By 'lust', I meant things that are not so affordable and are somewhat deem as a sin to buy them(instead of scrimping the coins & notes).

This is a note to Santa.

Dear Mr Claus,

I may not be a very good girl this year (again) but I think you owe me at least 24 -beep- years of presents.
I may be grateful and falling my knees down on gratitude each time I think of the things I am blessed in my life, but that does not cover the my disappointment to see my empty socks on every 25th December.

I know you have been busy and I shall not be greedy.(Hey, it rhymes!)
Please find below illustrated gift lists. I would be a darn happy girl if I received any of it and I promise I would be really good next year. -cross my tongue-

Apparently there are more important things in life than fashion. Yeah right - FCUK time

I spotted a certain FCUK bling watch @ AMK Hub and I hadn't dare to peek at the price. It doesn't look like the one above. It is a round face watch with the FCUK bling in the middle and crystal blings on the rim.

I would imagined the price to be beyond $200 and having a 20% discount won't make a difference to it anyhow.

Canon Powershot E1

I like this the very first time I saw it on the back of 8 days. The baby pink colour pull my eyes to it. I admit this is a pretty bimbo thing but which gal doesn't like pretty things?

BUT recently I thought a functional smart camera is good too. No, not a DSLR. I am not able to afford that as much as I am relishing on.

Have you seen the recent Canon Ixus advertisement? I know Ixus series are good digi cam but seriously this is not a need. (None of my things listed here are needs anyway)

I consider this Ixus versus Powershot a strong debate. Functionality & ..Looks (with good functions as well). My likings always toppled over to the looks' side but seriously, Ixus has got good function.

Hmmm..-furrow eyebrows- T__T

I know this is not a toy!

Did you know I had 2 rabbits when I was really young? (I figured I was 2 or 3 years old but I remember them.) One day I woke up and find them missing. Mum told me that a worm bit them and they died.

I really do not know what's the actual reason but recently I wish I have one. Ok, maybe NOT recently but I kinda always want a bunny for keeping.

A dog is certainly a no-no now. No money for it, no time for it and no permission for it. I want a pet which I can pet and a bunny fits just right. I do not have to worry that it would feel very lonely when I am not at home too.

I always want a droopy ears, grey or brown small one! But the thing I noticed about droopy ears bunnies is that they can grow up really big.

But no matter big or small, I still do not have the permission for it. Fyn told me bunnies can stink so I can't put them in my room. My parents would loathe the idea of keeping another pet. (Stinky and Stinko are still alive and still reek!)

Ok,maybe not really. I am not exactly someone that would spend hundreds over a brand but still~~who would say No to a brand if given? Everyone would have a LV,Prada,Coach,Gucci wallet. Some would have Burberry but the keyword is 'some'.

I like Burberry like I like Marc Jacobs. Ok, I like the latter better!

I guess I would be really greedy if I add on to the list. But hey, I am not. Fine, I admit I would carry on if I didn't have to go to bed right now.

Night people. Sweet dreams tonight.

So Mr Claus, do you think you can bag any of the above for me? No? No? No! Wth...Fine.

Love,

Ling

It's Friday already?

2008-11-27T20:52:00.002+08:00

Technically tomorrow's Friday.

My brain is in a coma and I need to detox it.

Ps: Little Nonya @ Channel 8 is soooooooooooooooooo Nice~. Finally a different and quality drama series.

Roar,roar,roar,rawr!

2008-11-25T21:10:00.002+08:00

Been feeling sluggish the whole day and I do not like it.
There ought to be some proper documentations of what happened yesterday but not today.
Roar,roar,roar,rawr!

Damnit! I wanna roarrrr tomorrow!

Silent Sanctuary

最后一章

Sunday

默默的改变

After sometme, I've finally made up my mind -MLTR

Change of blog url

He said, you've got to love yourself - J.Mraz

Bread and Rose

Moving on Sunday

You might regret what you let slip away, like the geek in the pink - J.Mraz

So maybe You are just NOT that into me afterall

Wanna be Lucky in love again

Sofie.M = Sophie Mraz,HAHAHA. Kidding.

I'm looking for love this time. Sounding hopeful but it's making me cry - J.Mraz

There's no stopping us - Jason Mraz

Going to see Jason Mraz tomorrow.

Maybe time alone would make you see how deep our love could be - 911

It takes a night to make it dawn - Jason Mraz

Hello, First of March

Saturday is finished...just like that.

And I resumed blogging

So this is goodbye - Maroon 5

My picture

Teenage school girl entry

All my love and blessings to Zhiqin and Yvonne

Pictures post

Pictures post

Insanity

Why must you lied?

Coming dates for February

If disappointment can kills, I'm murdered tonight again

Ice cream team 2009

This isn't the first time, won't be the last time - 911

Contradicting.

Best friend. - For Zhiwei, my Bes-friend.

Almost toppled over

Love YOURSELF, pamper YOURSELF, think for YOURSELF. Ask yourself what is it that you want, the best for YOU, then you'll not regret *hugs* - Jules

Not for Shaowei

Sunday and things are gone

请不要分了以後还记得亲吻过的承诺. 你的永久已不属於我 - 萧敬腾

想切歌切掉回忆的画面-温岚

虽然被放弃,心碎人孤寂...虽然我愿意 - 伍家辉

You and I both loved...- Jason Mraz

请记得你要比我幸福 - 陈晓东

那就分手吧, 再爱都无须挣扎 - 动力火车

You said that love was just a state of mind, a puzzle made of pieces you cant find. - A1

4 years,we have not met.

Happy Birthday, Jason.

Feel so sorry, baby I'm so sorry - 杜德伟

On silence

Staying away

So near yet so far

1st January 2009

Brace yourself for the coming year

"I'm still trying...You are slowly rejecting." - Jason

只剩下钢琴陪我谈了一天 - 周杰伦

It has been a long week

It's pictures update again~

I want a dog,please?

I hope you dance - Leeann Womack

If you want food

Is there something wrong with Photobucket?

Back dating

Some little updates...

If it snows in Singapore

When I say I want it, I most likely would get it.

I have decided...

Cause nothing going right, everything's a mess and no one likes to be alone - Avril Lavigne

Twas 24 days before Christmas

Drinking, dancing and over doing

What I Lust for Christmas...Are...

It's Friday already?

Roar,roar,roar,rawr!

Love YOURSELF, pamper YOURSELF, think for YOURSELF. Ask yourself what is it that you want, the best for YOU, then you'll not regret hugs - Jules